Monday, November 26, 2007

A Spamville Thanksgiving

So I spent the holiday in Austin, MN, which is the home to not only Lawyerman’s family, but to Hormel… Unfortunately, one of Hormel’s biggest products is spam, and they have many processing plants there, so the entire town reeks of spam. It is legitimately vile.
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His family is so big (his dad had 9 brothers and sisters, the majority of them having children and grandchildren), they rent a church to hold the main dinner. I have made it my mission the past few years to rearrange the ‘last supper’ figurines to where they are performing various sex acts upon each other, except for Judas who is servicing a donkey.
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They always have a hippy handholding thing before it’s time to eat, and it always takes more time to get the 70 or so people into a circle than it does to do the actual prayer. But I’ve used this to my advantage, and always make sure I am in the part of the circle by the kitchen so I am one of the first to hit the buffet, before the obese relatives eat all of the cheesy mashed potatoes.

I never know quite who to hang out with, the people around my age or the generation before them that is Lawyerman’s age. I usually go for his relatives that are my age, because all of the people his age don’t quite take me seriously because of the 15 year age difference, or their fondness for his beast of an ex wife (who should be thankful I’ve never given her a kick in the cunt). Despite the change in my living arrangements, no one gave me any shit, possibly because they liked my pumpkin cheesecake so well.

I was talking to LM’s white gangsta’ cousin that sports a Justin Timberlake hat, and I was asking who some of the people I didn’t recognize were, and him and some of the other cousin’s conferred that they might be randoms, who saw the feast (one large enough to feed an Afrikaan nation) through the window. The family is so ginormous that not everyone knows everyone else’s name, and wouldn’t flat out ask a person how they are related. So I think if I ever don’t have plans for the holidays, I’ll just start crashing people’s large Thanksgiving celebrations.

I ended up playing poker with one of the 80 year old aunts, who I wasn’t quite sure if she was cheating or just senile, but I was too drunk on pinot noir to care. I don’t usually drink wine, but any port in a storm, right? His family is pretty hardcore Norwegian, as are many indigenous Minnesota families, and I was thankful they served
lefsa and NOT lutefisk, which smells worse than spam ever could.


Mike said...

Well this is a timely post. A friend of mine went down to a Polish market on Saturday and brought back some kind of canned meat from Poland. It is advertised as Pork and Bacon. We opened the can and it was truly disgusting. He cooked some and we ate it and surprisingly, it was pretty good.

Way better than Spam.

C.Rag said...

I've never had spam. I've never seen spam except in the stores. Do people really eat it?
I would totally have slipped away to do a sexually act on LM hoping one of the old relatives walk in.

moooooog35 said...


What better way to eat a pig's eyeball?

I can't think of one, really. I'm hungry.

TED VELVET said...

nothing says, "yo, I'm giving thanks." like a justin timberlake hat. fuck norwegians, did they serve a lot of "jellied" shit?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: most meat combonations and concoctions ARE better than spam. except lutefisk, because it's jellied, cold fish. fucking nasty.

C.rag: i dont know of anyone who REALLY likes spam. there was none served, the town just smelled like spam. also, at the MN state fair, they have a special booth where they prepare spam in interesting ways. i cant believe they are proud of this enough to display it.

Moog: spam cream cheese on your bagel?

Ted: it was a pretty standard thanksgiving feast, nothing too out of the ordinary other than the lefsa. oh, there was duck ala orange, but that is not norwegian cuisine

C.Rag said...

I love fucking norwegians. That's why I married CockMaster.

Lawyerman said...

Austin is actually a nice little town, Hormel not with-spam-ding. TM enjoyed herself and was well-welcomed into the family; again. And as far as card playing goes, that's the Irish side, which is probably why 100% Eire-girl fit in.

Anonymous said...

Spam is some nasty ass shit!

I always try to be first in line when it comes to food too.If the fat asses go first then there is never anything left for anyone else.Except a few crumbs mamybe

I hope you got your fill on the cheese taters!

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Spam is the official meat of Hawaii. They love it there and cook it in all sorts of ways. No shit. Mmm mmm spam and poi.

Fuck Norwegians. I wouldn't trust anyone as white as they are. You know they're going to be a condescending, colonial, bunch of oppressive cracker know-it-alls. Who else would have the balls to eat lute fish and sit there claiming it tastes good. . . and how smart do you have to be to sit on the ice all day in 0 degree weather catching fish called crappies? eh?

C.Rag said...

Why am I not surprised that the commenter above is ignorant?
He needs to go suck off Al Sharpton.

Malach the Merciless said...

Malach rent's churches to shoot his pornos

Christine said...

Saw you linked...ummm.....somewhere and had to check out your name. Very cute.
Wow..huge family. Reminds me of when I was younger and my father's 6 brothers and sisters would all get together with their kids on the holidays. Fortunately, I moved out of state and away from that cluster fuck. Just because they're related doesn't mean you have to like them....does it?

Phoebe Fay said...

Watch out for those 80-year-old aunts. They cheat like crazy. They'll wipe you out, and then steal your cat just for giggles.

I can't wait to be a crazy 80-year-old aunt. I'm going to make life hell for the young whippersnappers.

C.Rag said...

Malach's comment is fucking awesome. Are you looking for a redhead in one of your films? I'm sure Tequlia would join me too.

Hungry Mother said...

My mother used to semi-starve us kids when I was growing up. Dad had all the food he needed for the day at his 2 martini lunches and Mom could move any excess funds from her food budget into her booze budget, and she was anorexic to boot. Anyways, she used to uncan the smallest sized Spam, coat it with brown sugar, spike it with cloves and serve it to a family of 6, including 3 very hungry boys. I always left the table hungry and have hated Spam ever since. The last time I was in Hawaii, somebody sneaked Spam into my salad at a restaurant and I was really pissed.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Cheesy mashed potatoes and pumpkin cheesecake. Mmmmmm.

Thanksgiving crasher? Wasn't that a sequel to Wedding Crashers?

The Novice said...

Crashing a Thanksgiving party...Kudos now goes to Tequila for sprouting yet another devilish idea in my head;P

Colonel Colonel said...

Well, I'm all alone, but I love SPAM. Fried up with some eggs or cold with ketchup. Yummy. You know Hormel has a Norewegian variety called SJAM, made of cold pressed lutefisk.

Sirdar said...

Holy crap that must be a big gathering. But, if it is a potluck, I bet there would be a lot of food...other than Spam.