So I went to the probation office last night. No, not for me, surprisingly I’ve never been arrested despite all of the drunken shenanigans and youthful indiscretions. I was actually taking a friend there for her DUI requirements. She has driving restrictions and I was wooed by her promises of drinks and dinner afterwards… isn’t that ironic, being taken out for drinks after going to the probation for DUI issues?
Anyway, not everyone at the probation office is like my white collar, suburbanite friend. I kind of assumed so, but even going in there with that assumption, I was still taken aback. It brought a lot of unanswered questions to mind, such as, why is that greasy guy giggling, clenching and unclenching his hands? Then there was a guy in overalls reeking of drywall and bad decisions, outside screaming at his girlfriend or wife on the phone telling her she needed to get rid of “it” all, RIGHT NOW. Hmmm, me thinks whatever he’s trying to dispose of might not be legal.
My favorite character was this man was like a cross between Willy Nelson and Kramer from Seinfeld. He looked like his face had caught on fire and been beaten out with a pitchfork. This man was transfixed by a duffel bag that he had brought with him. He started out with his hand on it, and quickly moved to caressing it. He was practically getting a boner just stroking the canvassy-goodness of the bag. What was in there, drugs or body parts? I swear I thought I saw his eyes roll back in his head a little bit, with orgasmic bliss, all from a goddamn duffel bag. Maybe it's that elusive bag of dicks I hear everyone talking about and telling other people to suck.
I also liked the obese black lady that couldn’t stop tapping her foot, and it made ripples go across her unfortunately exposed flesh that were much like that of a boulder being dropped into a pond. I think she drank a lot of water to cleanse her system to be ready for the drug test and now had to go to the bathroom REALLY BAD. The white gangsta’ who was whistling what I thought to be Wu tang Clan’s classic song “Wu tang Clan Aint Nuttin’ to Fuck Wit” was not making her discomfort better, and she told him to “Cut that shit out, before I backhand your honkey ass.” Truly classic; I never guessed tensions would run this high at probation.