Friday, November 9, 2007

Probation, Bag of Dicks, and Wu tang Clan

So I went to the probation office last night. No, not for me, surprisingly I’ve never been arrested despite all of the drunken shenanigans and youthful indiscretions. I was actually taking a friend there for her DUI requirements. She has driving restrictions and I was wooed by her promises of drinks and dinner afterwards… isn’t that ironic, being taken out for drinks after going to the probation for DUI issues?

Anyway, not everyone at the probation office is like my white collar, suburbanite friend. I kind of assumed so, but even going in there with that assumption, I was still taken aback. It brought a lot of unanswered questions to mind, such as, why is that greasy guy giggling, clenching and unclenching his hands? Then there was a guy in overalls reeking of drywall and bad decisions, outside screaming at his girlfriend or wife on the phone telling her she needed to get rid of “it” all, RIGHT NOW. Hmmm, me thinks whatever he’s trying to dispose of might not be legal.

My favorite character was this man was like a cross between Willy Nelson and Kramer from Seinfeld. He looked like his face had caught on fire and been beaten out with a pitchfork. This man was transfixed by a duffel bag that he had brought with him. He started out with his hand on it, and quickly moved to caressing it. He was practically getting a boner just stroking the canvassy-goodness of the bag. What was in there, drugs or body parts? I swear I thought I saw his eyes roll back in his head a little bit, with orgasmic bliss, all from a goddamn duffel bag. Maybe it's that elusive bag of dicks I hear everyone talking about and telling other people to suck.

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I also liked the obese black lady that couldn’t stop tapping her foot, and it made ripples go across her unfortunately exposed flesh that were much like that of a boulder being dropped into a pond. I think she drank a lot of water to cleanse her system to be ready for the drug test and now had to go to the bathroom REALLY BAD. The white gangsta’ who was whistling what I thought to be Wu tang Clan’s classic song “Wu tang Clan Aint Nuttin’ to Fuck Wit” was not making her discomfort better, and she told him to “Cut that shit out, before I backhand your honkey ass.” Truly classic; I never guessed tensions would run this high at probation
.

22 comments:

jedimacfan said...

I totally waved at you when I was there and you acted like you didn't even see me. Bitch.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

They were body parts. That bastard was supposed to have them here for Halloween but he got pulled over and they never made it. Never trust a fuckin' necrophiliac to deliver the goods. And you can quote me on that.

TED VELVET said...

I tend to avoid places like that, I'd rather go on pretending the guy with the bag full of dicks isn't out there wandering my neighborhood and when I see wu-tang whistling white gangstas I just want kill them

C.Rag said...

So that's where AngryMan's blind date was waiting for him.

moooooog35 said...

Why am I thinking that the picture you have here is EXACTLY what airport security sees when you put your bags through it.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Jedi: that was you in the overalls. it was the smell of bad decisions that made me ignore you.

Bruce: that's a great quote!

Ted: i think everyone's neighborhood has a guy wandering around with a bag of dicks, whistling wu tang clan.

C.rag: yes, it was the rippling black lady.

moog: i dunno what YOU carry throught the airport, but i have never carried a bag of dicks. a jar of dicks, yes.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

"reeking of drywall and bad decisions"

FUCKING awesome line! Where'd you lift that one TequiMo?

Seriously, one of your best posts yet.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

There are some characters in places like that...not that I have ever been to a probation officer or anything.

Ummm ok, well uh, have a good day Tequila!

Malach the Merciless said...

So, you see what I go through on a daily basis at work.

Mike said...

I think those characters would make a wonderful sitcom. I know I'd watch it.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Sag: that was of my creation. i know that it's hard for you to imagine someone being creative, because of your barren imagination, but it's possible. hey, see that picture? that's for you, GET TO SUCKING!

Prepon: dont lie, i saw you there too... you were soliciting jedimacfan.

Malach: good luck with that.

Mike: me too. i would TIVO the shit out of that program.

Jon said...

What's the green stuff in the bag of dicks? I don't remember that topic during sex-ed back in 4th grade, and have yet to witness any green shit coming out of my dick.

Hear that ladies? STD free.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Jon: they are gangrenous dicks. that's why they were cut off. because they were rotting away. i guess i failed to mention that.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Jesus wanted the mentally ill and homeless to his door, you should have ministered to them

Sirdar said...

Wow...you witnessed some of the low end of the gene pool last night. Hope none of it got you wet :-)

Sara Sue said...

Sounds like Thanksgiving at my mom's.

Joey Polanski said...

Hey! It looks to me like theres a guy wearin a beanie inside that bag o dicks.

That aint Pope Bendydick, is it?

Colonel Colonel said...

Are you sure it wasn't a Klan meeting, or the entire membership of the Ann Coulter fan club?

Well, no, you didn't mention swaztikas, so I guess that leaves Coulter out.

Beach Bum said...

We have a probation office that services many of the same types you described right next to a upper end cafe that the upper class soccer and tennis moms like to frequent. I was to have lunch with my wife there one time and while I was waiting for her at a table outside one of the bitc..., I mean ladies sitting at another table looked over and told me that the probation office was open and that I could go inside. I kept quiet and just smiled. That seemed to disturb her more than I think telling her off would have. But I must admit I never thought I looked like I came from the swallow end of the gene pool.

Tex said...

My dad lost his licence for 12 months years ago and he had to do an alcohol awareness course and then attend court to say "i'll be a good boy now and i don't drink as much".

Some of the others going through the same process were funny. One guy was asked by the judge how his habits had changed - "i don't drink as much now"

Judge: when was the last time you had a drink?

bloke: last night

judge : how much did you drink?

bloke : about twenty pots (a pot is a 10 ounce glass, or 285 mls)

judge : so you haven't changed your behavior at all?

bloke : yeah I have, I didn't drive home last night!!!

AngryMan said...

Are you sure that this isn't your regular Friday night experience?

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I live a sheltered life, for sure.