Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Are You Lonely?

Everyone says that the holidays are the worst time to be alone. Seeing all of those happy couples holding each other close to keep warm is enough to make some lonely people take a bath with the hair dryer. Well, I have a solution to stave away the aching that an empty hole in the heart causes; Prison dating sites!!!

Ladies, there are some wonderful men out there, who have all of the time in the world (at least for the next 5-10 years) to make you their everything. Are you sick of not knowing where your man is? Well, with these guys there will never be a question in your mind. Most of these men are in great shape too, and it doesn’t matter what YOU look like because anything that isn’t ass raping them is an attractive option. Some of the highlights I found on the site was
this gem with this quote on his profile: “A window of opportunity won’t open itself" (was that what he was thinking when he opened the window to commit burglary? This guy considers himself to be a good friend, despite being convicted of homicide. He sounds like he would do ANYTHING to win your heart. This family man is a wounded soul, being convicted of a murder he says he didn't commit; he's even a bit of a star, having a book/movie created about him and his estranged, murdered wife.
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Guys, don’t worry, if the gay portion of this site doesn’t rock your dock, there are plenty of women behind bars in need of something besides their cellmate Bertha’s mop handle. The big problem with the women’s site is that it doesn’t tell you what crime they committed, which is something I’m sure everyone would like to know before they add a lady to their cart (yes, this is a pay site, but a few dollars is a small price to pay for quality).

While browsing the site, I found
Wheezy from the Jeffersons, and I’m totally interested in her because it says she’s a cosmetologist, and I AM a sucker for cornrows and manicured toes! Some are just looking for their prince charming (perhaps because they killed the last one), some need to be tamed, but this one only need a hammock. This hot tamale is not only magnanimous, but I can honestly say I would let her eat crackers on my cot any day!

So, if you don't want to warm your chestnuts by the fire alone this season, get to writing! I'm sure there is much these wayward souls could teach you, like how to make a shank out of a plastic spoon or how to make a delicious batch of toliet hooch. They might just incarcerate you in their prison of love...

26 comments:

Preposterous Ponderings said...

With that fucking hot new profile pic you have up I don't think will have to worry about being alone this holiday season.

[Un]Censored said...

You have been tagged to be the recipient of an award. For more details, visit:
http://peopleareawesome.blogspot.com/2007/11/you-rock-my-socks.html

Smile and keep blogging :)

Crys

http://peopleareawesome.blogspot.com

Beach Bum said...

Just saw your new profile pic PrePost mentioned. Ever get down to South Carolina? You can eat crackers on my cot any day.

C.Rag said...

So that's where my Baby's Daddy has been.

Hungry Mother said...

I think a 3-way with a couple of prison chicks would be just the ticket for New Year's Eve this year.

moooooog35 said...

Friends don't let friends shiv.

Words to live by.

Happy Holidays.

Landon said...

I'm all about the conjugal visits!

Landon said...

Hey, can you legally have sex with a minor if she was tried as an adult? I figured you would know! ;)

TED VELVET said...

abigale in the new 20-29 year old category is going to be recieving a special something in the mail from Teddy V. I'm all about rehabilitating hot slutty prison chicks. I just hide all my valuables after the rawkus prison-esque love making

sagacioushillbilly said...

This post really means a lot to me since fucking men (and getting fucked by men) is my most favorite thing in the whole world. Thanks, Teq, for writing this and making my asshole pucker in anticipation of more white, creamy goodness.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Prepon: thanks. it's my fave pic of myself taken in a bar. i dunno if you can tell, but i am double fisting cocktails in that pic... i would understand if you didnt notice, my fantastic cleavage is distracting.

[un]: thanks! i love (and deserve) awards!

Beach: i'll keep that in mind. would you give me a conjugal visit?

c.rag: cockmaster is in jail? probably for B & E your butt.

Hungry: what better way to ring in the new year?

Moog: i'll take that to heart.

Landon: who isnt all about conjugal visits?

Landon: i dunno, ask your dad; isn't that how he met your new step mom?

Ted: make sure to post pics!

Sag: wow. i'm glad to see the season has brought out so much honesty in you! i'm sure you are no stranger to prison sex with another guy, so here is your chance to relive some of your better memories from the late 70's!

sagacioushillbilly said...

I would love to recall those special times for you, except that my ass was pounded so hard that it literally shook my head and killed some brain cells. This is why I've been such an asshole in the past, but it's all going to change for the better. Ever since I found Jesus (turns out he was in my ass) I've found a new love for life. And dicks. God I love a good dick. I wish I could be raped again, but I'm afraid nobody could do it as good as my father.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You're hilarious, TM. Great post.

Colonel Colonel said...

She shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die...

C.Rag said...

Who said CockMaster was my Baby's Daddy?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Sag: i'm glad you've found jesus. good to know he was hiding in your ass...see if you can find c.rag's baby daddy in there while you are at it.

Lightning: thanx!

Colonel: oooh sing some more johnny cash for me!

c.rag: guess i assumed wrong. i bet the real baby daddy is JediMacFan, right?

Mike said...

Wow this post really hits home for me. That's how I found my wife. She was in prison for murdering her first husband.

Now you know why I behave.

Jay said...

I love how all the women are willing to relocate. Assuming the parole board ok's the move, of course.

I can sew where this site might actually be good for the guys who can't afford the Russian Bride sites.

And, maybe I've been drinking, or maybe I've spent to much time in strip clubs, but the "hot tamale" chick looks pretty hot to me. ;-)

Thanks for visiting my blog. Your blog is awesome!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: so you're admitting you are her bitch?

Jay: thanks. and yeah, prison dating IS like low rent russian bride. neither are a great idea.

Mike said...

I don't have any choice. Being on the receiving end of a good old fashioned broom stick raping is not something I aspire to.

Simply Curious said...

Haha you're fucking awesome. I think I'll dub you one of my blog heroes.

Malach the Merciless said...

So uh, you have experience with these services?

Sirdar said...

Uh...me thinks I'll stick with the woman I have. Some say marriage is just like an institution...

billymac said...

Great shit... my absolute favorite is the heading "New White Ladies Added", that really put the ass in class, and gave me a bit of a chub I must admit.

AngryMan said...

Is this how you met Lawyerman?

Sara Sue said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for making my holiday white ... and creamy!