Are You Lonely?

Everyone says that the holidays are the worst time to be alone. Seeing all of those happy couples holding each other close to keep warm is enough to make some lonely people take a bath with the hair dryer. Well, I have a solution to stave away the aching that an empty hole in the heart causes; Prison dating sites!!!

Ladies, there are some wonderful men out there, who have all of the time in the world (at least for the next 5-10 years) to make you their everything. Are you sick of not knowing where your man is? Well, with these guys there will never be a question in your mind. Most of these men are in great shape too, and it doesn’t matter what YOU look like because anything that isn’t ass raping them is an attractive option. Some of the highlights I found on the site was this gem with this quote on his profile: “A window of opportunity won’t open itself" (was that what he was thinking when he opened the window to commit burglary? This guy considers himself to be a good friend, despite being convicted of homicide. He sounds like he would do ANYTHING to win your heart. This family man is a wounded soul, being convicted of a murder he says he didn't commit; he's even a bit of a star, having a book/movie created about him and his estranged, murdered wife.


Guys, don’t worry, if the gay portion of this site doesn’t rock your dock, there are plenty of women behind bars in need of something besides their cellmate Bertha’s mop handle. The big problem with the women’s site is that it doesn’t tell you what crime they committed, which is something I’m sure everyone would like to know before they add a lady to their cart (yes, this is a pay site, but a few dollars is a small price to pay for quality).

While browsing the site, I found Wheezy from the Jeffersons, and I’m totally interested in her because it says she’s a cosmetologist, and I AM a sucker for cornrows and manicured toes! Some are just looking for their prince charming (perhaps because they killed the last one), some need to be tamed, but this one only need a hammock. This hot tamale is not only magnanimous, but I can honestly say I would let her eat crackers on my cot any day!

So, if you don't want to warm your chestnuts by the fire alone this season, get to writing! I'm sure there is much these wayward souls could teach you, like how to make a shank out of a plastic spoon or how to make a delicious batch of toliet hooch. They might just incarcerate you in their prison of love...