Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Nothin' like packing all of your shit into a saturn and blowin town!

Man, I do love reader responses... The longer I go without writing anything the more colorful they are:

"I heard you have aids, true?"


Goddamn right I have aids! FULL BLOWN IN FACT!!11!one!!


No, not really. I've just been busy, OH RIGHT, MOVING ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY AND RE-ESTABLISHING MYSELF.

That's gone well by the way. Had an awesome GTFO luau (yes, it's on the list to get to) that involved a captains hat, booze filled pinata, a dublin shiv, and schoolies. And that's just for starters! The 1,500 mile, 26 hour straight through drive down to Florida from Minnesota wasn't a particularly funsies one, but it could've been entirely worse (only had to mcguyver up my car once with zip ties). By the time we actually got to Fla, Illinois, Tennessee, and Georgia were missing shot glasses from gas stations. Except the one, which came from an eating establishment inside a barn "The Hen House;" thought it was so fucking classy I got a T-shirt (an indigestion, but that just made me feel more like a trucker.)

So today marks my two week anniversary of being in the state, and I can legitimately say there are more scaryass spiders here than I remember. Oh, and even more disturbing is my creeper. I was just minding my own business, in my big ol empty ouse with a pool, burning my boobs in an effort to reduce tan lines, and I hear some shit in the bushes. WHAT THE FUCK?! Now yes, it could be an animal because it's a wooded area, HOWEVER--

Fast forward to last night, I get home from work before going to Carrabas to meet my dad and his new girlfriend (the old one got kicked out on thurs for being lippy); this one bought me dinner as opposed to the old one who just bought me a jug of wine, so combined with her being younger I think it's an overall trade up... However, I'm getting off topic here...

Anyway, I get home to find two large panel screens ripped open and what looked like to be vomited up meat on my patio. WHAT A TREAT!!! Fortunately, Uncle Ted came over to investigate, and I have a gun now, so I feel much better about whatever is in my patio. Whether it is some leering masturbating fiend, or just a big ass animal, I'm almost kind of hoping they bust back in the patio, so I can blast them in the face. Hell, I'm considering doing moar topless sunbathing just to lure him out.

Life is good, and I'm excited about going to see UFC this weekend. Also, I definitely see some shootin' up of Gramma's orange grove next door in my future for target practice. Enjoy the slideshow, it's part of the good times fla has bestowed upon me so far.




7 comments:

Malach the Merciless said...

FLA is like another planet

Un[Censored] said...

Fla is like a sauna. I guess it could be worse...we have to pay to sit in a sauna, you just live in one :P

Miss ya.

Crys

http://weekfullofmondays.blogspot.com

Beach Bum said...

Oh, and even more disturbing is my creeper. I was just minding my own business, in my big ol empty ouse with a pool, burning my boobs in an effort to reduce tan lines, and I hear some shit in the bushes. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I bet its one of the freaking loose pythons that some nerd kept as a pet until it got too damn large and started considering him as lunch.

But I must admit exposed boobs would have me creeping in the woods.

If I ever win the lottery I'm moving to Florida.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Glad to see ya about again. Be careful with your gun and your creeper.

Jason Harx said...

Welcome back to the South, I'll go shoot something tonight in recognition.

Creepy said...

Welcome to paradise. Has it rained every day for what seems like weeks in your part of the state like it has here in South Florida?

Organic Meatbag said...

This is my first trip to your blog...I find you very entertaining... call me friend and I'll call you compadre...