Why I Hate my New BlackBerry Pearl

Now, my last flippy phone was pretty basic, and it didn't have a full keyboard, so I would multiple hit the keys to select the letter. However, I had gotten quite quick at this and was able to do it quickly and while doing almost any other task. When I got my new phone this week (along with my Florida number, WHEEEE! I FEEL LIKE A RESIDENT AGAIN! Now all I need to do is start selling oranges on the side of the road in a bikini and scamming the elderly!), I thought all of the fun bells and whistles and ability to stalk people on facebook from my phone would be cool. Not so much. It's a burden that is eating away at my soul, and this is why:

• it's harder to text and drive, so I'm constantly running off the road and scaring tourists
• it lights up like a goddamn christmas tree, so NO stealth texting at work under my desk now
• it doesnt take pictures of female impersonators very clearly when they move fast (I missed some magical trannytastic moments at the cabaret show at L'Olivier in Ybor city friday; I blame the blackerry and not the martinis).
• it's ambiguous as to whether it's plugged in and charging. See, I dont fucking need to have my phone go dead on me. If my car breaks down, I need to be able to use my phone before I get eaten by a gator, or my skin burns off from being out in the sun.
  
• the text messages dont flow conversationally, so when trying to find a specific message, I'm forced to sort through the other bajillion text messages I've sent
• it didnt recognize profanity or racial slurs for the first few days, which really cause my texting time to almost double

Your cell phone provider trying to get you to take a blackberry pearl? DONT FALL FOR THEIR DARK MAGIC! It's a trap, much like the trannys at cabaret... it looks like a good idea, but you'll just end up getting an unpleasent surprise.