Thursday, July 24, 2008

The family that gets intoxicated together, stays together

I think because I lived in Florida until I was 21, it made my trip down there less like a vacation and more like a revisiting of my former life. Needless to say, it was more than a little overwhelming to attempt to see all of my friends and family in such a short window of time. Being related to me, of course my family is awesome, and decided to help me out by throwing a little shindig on the 5th. My dad blackened fish, Auntie Cougar had a well-stocked bar, and my grandma just tried to not be offended when she heard us using copious profanity in everyday conversations.

I also got to meet my Dad’s new girlfriend. Keeping in mind that the last time I saw him with a woman, it was my mom… things were bound to be weird anyway, much less that his lady friend happens to be a lunatic. This is not just my opinion, this is something he and many others who have met her share. But she’s hot, and kind of looks like Rachel Ray… A Rachel Ray that would slit your throat in your sleep if she’s pissed off enough. Also, because she’s a lunatic, her 12 year old son is a little fucked up in the head. Like, for example, he saw my dad playing grab-ass with her in the pool, and he flipped out. So there’s Tequila Mockingbird, drunkenly trying to console this kid and to get him to stop crying. Obviously, that was not the highlight of the evening.

I saw friends from high school, we chased each other through my grandma’s orange groves, and set off fireworks. Fortunately, nothing exploded or caught on fire like the night before. That might have been more than a little embarrassing, seeing as how there were two firemen present at the party. Both of them said they would’ve without a doubt been able to put out a fire no matter how intoxicated. This is a subject of debate and disagreement.

17 comments:

Mike said...

Great pics TM Bird. Disappointed that there are no naked pics of anyone, but hey, there's always tomorrow!

C.Rag said...

Does this Rachel Ray like spitting in faces & rubbing her bare feet on people's faces?

B.E. Earl said...

I tried to find Rachel Ray a few times in that pic, but alas...it was moving too fast for me.

Auntie Cougar I saw. Rowr!

Dana said...

Boy do I love family stories - especially drunken ones! Sounds like you were at least able to laugh!

Malach the Merciless said...

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, JOLENE!

I'm begging you please don't take my man!

Jay said...

Stories about families getting drunk together and dad playing grab-ass with Rachael Ray look-a-likes are always very heartwarming. ;-)

AmyD said...

I find that I can only tolerate the majority of my family if I am at buzzing.

katie said...

Oh T-Bird! Your family is awesome!
great pictures as always!!

Have a great weekend, my dear. TGIF, baby! :)

AngryMan said...

I think it is time for Auntie Cougar to do a few guest posts.

billymac said...

i don't know if i can handle an insane rachel ray that slits throats... unless... you could control her power and use her as a tool for your own evil deeds. that would rule, you should start learning how to brainwash people, scientology books would be a good place to start.

captain corky said...

"My dad blackened fish, Auntie Cougar had a well-stocked bar, and my grandma just tried to not be offended when she heard us using copious profanity in everyday conversations."

Do you think they would mind if I showed up one day and claimed that I was your long lost cousin Oliver?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

c.rag: i wouldnt be suprised.

malach: once again your ability to have absolutely no clue what a post was about cause you didnt read it astounds me. jolene is banging my cousin, not my boyfriend. sweet jesus. get your head in the game.

angryman: naaah, not so much.

corky: do it. we are a very welcoming bunch of irish drunkards.

The Manic Street Preacher said...

Irish drunkards? Finest kind

Tink said...

There's nothing quite like family drama. I hope for your sake this is just a fling. Oy. So where-abouts in Florida were you?

Beach Bum said...

Is Auntie Cougar married, or dating anyone? She is hot.

Slyde said...

i hear ya on the "awkward stepmother" front....

i really try to get along well with mine, for my fathers sake, but it makes for some pretty fucking weird moments sometimes...

Roland Hulme said...

I can't help it. I think Rachel Ray is hot. As long as she doesn't speak.

THAT POOR KID.

You are a Saint, Tequila.