Wednesday, June 18, 2008

June's Douchebag of The Month

Once again, I’m singing that same song that goes a little something like this: “do-doo-doooouchebaaaaag, oh how you make me want to smaaaack you with a mesh bag of piiiiineaaaaaaaappples… dooo do douchebaaags!” June’s winner of the fail-waste sweepstakes is psychics.

The immediate cause for me awarding this to them is that there is one occupying prime space in between my house and one of my favorite bars, Liquor Lyles. It’s a great bar, but if you go there, and things suck, there’s no other options except to walk four blocks to Lyndale, where Mortimer’s and Rudolph’s are located. It really is a serious investment. Anyway, if they ran the psychics out of there like they did in the good ol’ days (with pitchforks and lighted torches, of course), it’s totally big enough to have a decent sized food-drink establishment. I wonder, since they are psychics, if they would know beforehand that someone was going to throw a brick through their fucking window?

And going along with that line of thought, how come Miss Cleo didn’t know she was going to be sued and tap out before any of that started? OH WAIT, BECAUSE SHE WASN’T REALLY A PSYCHIC! I would be hard pressed to find someone who could prove to me that they were REALLY a psychic; most are just able to give semi-decent guesses based on people’s voices and the information they are given.

Maybe the sad sacks of shit that call those psychic hotlines deserve to get ripped off. Kind of like a dumbass tax. In this case, maybe it’s the callers of those hotlines that rank higher on the douchetitude scale. I’ve said this before in different posts, to think that the universe will magically fix life problems is idiotic and that energy would be better spent trying to improve the things that one does not like about their lives. Hope in one hand, douche in the
other.

20 comments:

Malach the Merciless said...

Should of given to Dr. Murk for the post he made calling you out at the Wand of Wonder

Tequila Mockingbird said...

malach: perhaps you didnt read my response to him; i dont have the time or honestly care enoguh to engage in a retarded flame war with some struggling to stay on the wagon dr. of failure. besides, me giving the award to him would just be giving him attention, and he's entirely too worthless for that. i'm sure you feel differently, being related and all. but meh, i hope youre keeping an eye on him. he sounds only a cunt hair away from taking a bath with the hairdryer.

Mike said...

There's nothing more fun than calling psychic hotlines and fucking with them. Seriously. It is almost worth the price.

Malicious Intent said...

I say you grab a deck of tarrot cards, set up shop in your bar. Charge half the price and give out advice to folks. Tell them to throw bricks through her window (like pennys in a wishing well) and their dreams will come true.

She will move out and you all get your bar space. Pyschotics are more powerful that psychics. Well known fact.

B.E. Earl said...

I've won a lot of prizes, but my eye is on the July Douchebag of the Month award.

Gimme some hints. What can I do to get on yer radar?

captain corky said...

Is it just me or was Miss Cleo really fucking hot back in the day?

C.Rag said...

I'm psychic.
I pretended I would have morning sex.
And it happened.

katie said...

well said, T-Bird!! I'm telling you, the likes of Dionne Warwick and others should be ashamed of themselves!! ole Dionne should have stuck to warbling out "That's what friends are for" instead of taking money from desperate fools who want someone to tell them if their fat cheetoh eatin' ass will ever find a soulmate!

Have a good one, girl!

Sleepy Scott said...

Have you recorded that douchebag song? It might be a hit!

Leighann said...

I'll believe in phychics as soon as one of them gives up the winning lottery numbers.

AngryMan said...

I agree w/Malach, give the award to Dr. Murk.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

angryman: why would i want to do that? he obviously wants attention, and traffic for his shitty blog. i think the best thing i can do is ignore him and let him stew in his own pathetic mire of unhappiness.

moooooog35 said...

I knew you were going to say this.

The Doggy Did It said...

People that call, or go to psychics are morons. I rank them right up there with people that watch the dog whisperer, or ghost hunters.

Get a fucken grip people.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Ironic that as much as you drink, your take on the world is most sober!

Beach Bum said...

I am generally a decent person but I admit that many times I wanted to start a 1-900 psychic hotline just to soak, I mean guide those poor fools down the right path in life. I mean how hard could it be to give vague answers to people wanting to know if their spouse is sleeping with someone else or if they need to tell their boss to kiss off?

billymac said...

i still can't fathom the type of a-hole that actually calls those things up. they wouldn't exist if there wasn't money in it... we are a pathetic race of morons...

harx said...

An old adage to keep in mind:
- The only thing more dangerous than a stupid person, is a stupid person with money

Never forget that psychics perform a valuable service to society by getting money away from stupid people before they hurt anyone else.

lotus07 said...

Psychics remind me of these guys that give seminars on how to become a millionaire in real estate or some such other scheme.

Now wait a minute, you know how to become a gazillionaire in real estate, but instead of doing so and investing your mega-bucks for the benefit of mankind, you give seminars at $200 a head to teach others how to do it??? What is wrong with this picture.

These folks ARE the dumbass tax on society. If people are stupid enough to go, they don't need that $200.

Baba Doodlius said...

You want the truth about psychics? Can you handle the truth? I think you can.