Thursday, May 22, 2008

Indiana Jones And the Temple of FAIL

In preparation for the awesomeness I hope that the new Indiana Jones movie will be, last night was an Indiana Jones movie marathon and cookie baking extravaganza. Keeping in mind “Temple of Doom” came out the year I was born, when I saw it as a child, I didn’t notice some annoying aspects of it then.

Most glaringly was how annoying Kate Capshaw was. In between high-pitched screaming about bugs
and dead bodies, she was whiny, petulant, and overall made me want to choke the shit out of her. The worst part is she wasn’t even hot. I could’ve overlooked her shrill shrieks of “INnnnnnnnnnnnnndyyyyy” if she was slammin’, but alas, she was not. The only part where she was even mildly appealing was when she was wet in a white t shirt. Even then, I’ve seen hotter crack whore transvestites outside the liquor store; no wonder Indiana Jones didn’t rail her the first time she offered, she looks mannish.

Secondly, the kids in the movie (other than the cool little Asian kid that saves Jones’ ass) were a bunch of little bastards. For example, those kids he frees, they don’t come help him out. What the fuck?! He saved you from a life of slavery and eventual death and you aren’t going assist him in the fight against the bad guys? How ungrateful; this is why they keep you in factories making shoes. And what was up with the little kid with the voodoo doll? He just needed a good ass whipping to keep him in line.

Seeing it on a warped VHS really added to the magic. Gee, it’s times like these I am devastated I missed the 80’s.

30 comments:

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Why did you miss the 80's? Were you on a drinking binge? Oh.. wait.. you were a child then. OH GOD!! I'm soooo freaking old!!! (Runs off crying)

Dana said...

Keeping in mind “Temple of Doom” came out the year I was born, when I saw it as a child, I didn’t notice some annoying aspects of it then.

You had to throw that in there, didn't you? It wouldn't have been enough to just say it was annoying - you had to mention that you were BORN in 1984??

SHEESE! I could easily be your mother - OMG! I'm probably the same age as your mother!! (Runs off crying with Ron)

harx said...

You're too young to remember the 80's, lack of tits and ass was considered hawt back then.

Basically everyone tried to make themselves look like they were strung out on coke.

harx said...

Dana said...
"I could easily be your mother"


Yeah, and I could've been her father.

Hey Tequila, tell me -
Who's yo daddy?!

moooooog35 said...

Ugh. Tequila.

(shaking head)

The kid with the voodoo doll WAS UNDER THE SPELL after drinking that blood crap from the skull that made Indy the same way. When "Short Round" burned him..he snapped out of it.

Also..all the kids in the caves being held hostage were Indian children.

Eventually, they repay Indiana Jones by moving all of our technical jobs to Bangalore and causing unemployment in the United States due to outsourcing.

That last part might be wrong. I blame the shit I drank from the skull.

C.Rag said...

Temple of Doom was the worse one. I can't count the latest one since I haven't seen it.

They should have brought Karen Allen back for Temple of Doom. She was a badass.

Also children born in the 80s rock!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

to all: YES. i was born in '84. and many of you could probably be one of my parents, but i know this wont stop you from perving out to me. i have high hopes, what can i say?

MOOG: sweet jesus, i know he drank shit from the skull, but it took some violence to get indy's head back in the game after he drank from the skull, so an ass beating would totally get the voodoo doll kid to stop being such a bastard. and who cares what ethnicity the slave kids were? indian kids can make shoes just as good as asian ones. stop being such a fucking racist.

C.rag: agreed. entirely.

B.E. Earl said...

The 80's sucked. You didn't miss much.

Don't blame the kid with the voodoo doll...he was under some kind of spell until Short Round kicked his ass and set him free.

Then he was ok.

moooooog35 said...

I prefer the term "Culturally Challenged."

Anyway...you're right. Asian kids CAN make shoes just as well as Indian kids.

You just can't lick the paint.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Earl: see above response to moog

Moog: dude, i dunno what reindeer games youre playing with your wife, but i dont lick paint off of shoes.... but hey, whatever blows hot wind up your skirt!

moooooog35 said...

Hey...shoe licking...

...Don't knock it til you've tried it

(as seen in the "Time for Timer" Saturday morning videos).

..didn't this start out about Indiana Jones?

How did it get moved to my fetish for licking Chinese-made stripper-shoes and skirt wearing while singing show tunes (which I blame on the lead paint)?

Nevermind. Don't answer.

Beach Bum said...

Okay, I feel really time warped here. I graduated from high school and went to basic training 84. First, I'm going to get some beer and then go catch ron and Dana.

Hungry Mother said...

I remember viewing "Raiders" in the front row of a movie theater in central PA. When the ark was opened and the shit hit the fan, it was amazing to be right up front, all flinching and scared.

Mike said...

I could have been your dad - Hey, could you imagine a dad 6 years older than you? How cool would that be?

Also, i was even more disappointed when I watched an episode of thunder cats when I was 29.

Colonel Colonel said...

That is the one Indiana Jones movie I never really want to see again. Of course, it's an utter coincidence that Kate Capshaw, who couldn't act her way out of a cardboard box, just happened to be married to Speilberg, right?

Karen Allen was the best Jones Girl ever.

Tink said...

Yeah, I was all of one when that movie came out. Thank God movie standards got better. But it makes me wonder what our kids will be saying about movies like Matrix some day.

billymac said...

i waited for 2 hours for indy to finally get fed up with that bitch enough to shove his piece in her pie-hole to plug her up and get some god-damned silence.... whew... end rant.

Leighann said...

"manish" eh.... thanks for the skeeves you just gave me!

And where's my damn picture??

katie said...

Fah-get about Siskel and Ebert!
We gots T-Bird and Ebert!

you know das right. good review, g-money.

Malach the Merciless said...

Raiders was easily the best of the bunch, head the new one sucks

Jay said...

I remember being very disappointed when that movie came out. I think the first thing I asked was where the fuck Karen Allen was.

The fact that you were born the year that movie came out and I was a sophomore in high school turns me on. ;-)

Mike said...

I always worry when they add a kid to a movie sequal. It usually means it is going to suck big time.

I agree with you about Kate screaming all the time in that movie. Jesus, that was almost as annoying as that stupid 7 UP commercial with that lady screaming.

AngryMan said...

I have to agree w/C.Rag, Karen Allen was the best chick to be cast alongside Harrison Ford in those flicks. The blonde Nazi comes in a close second. Maybe her, Allen, and Ford should have had a threesome in The Last Crusade?

Slyde said...

in the end, Kate Capshaw was the big winner, no matter how much of a whiny bitch she was..

she married spielberg and is now worth about a billion dollars...

Colonel Colonel said...

I will carry Karen Allen's children.

And she's in the new movie! gotta go...

Meghan said...

You didn't miss much in the '80's. There were shoulder pads, and Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.

Bridget Jones said...

Thank you thank you THANK YOU for saying that about KC. I hated her in that movie!!! Ewww what was Spielberg thinking, and then he married her??????

lotus07 said...

Speilberg had just dumped Amy Irving for Kate Capshaw before the film started shooting. She was his main squeeze. Blow the director, get a part in a movie, something in Hollywood never change.

I found her whole "Anything Goes" Broadway number in a Chinese Bar just a bit on the surreal side. They did production numbers with dancing and white women in 1940 India? Who Knew?

Thomas said...

Don't worry, you didn't miss much in the 80's.

All I know is that it took a shit load of beer and whiskey to make that decade bearable, and I was just a teenager then.

TV

Thomas said...

Don't worry, you didn't miss much in the 80's.

All I know is that it took a shit load of beer and whiskey to make that decade bearable, and I was just a teenager then.

TV