Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Rape Whistling my Way Through The Holiday

I always hate when drinking holidays fall on the week days. Nevertheless, I made this Cinco De Mayo a quality one. I spent the day re-hydrating from Sunday night’s double birthday festivities, so I was ready for the night to begin. Unfortunately, Landon and I got kicked out of Pancho Villas, but not for a good reason; apparently after 8:30 they stop letting new people come in. WTF?! You are a Mexican Resteraunt on Cinco De Mayo, get your head in the game! We ended up walking down the street to Little Tijuana’s, which was a giant fail move, because they didn’t serve any alcohol. Seriously, what is the point of liberation or whatever Cinco De Mayo is about if you aren’t going liberate some heavily potent margaritas and Mexican food? Next year we are considering just getting a jug or two of the pre-made margaritas with the XXX on the label and sitting in the parking lot of Taco Bell.

We managed to recover, and after a few Guinness at home (hey, it’s always a good time of year to drink Guinness), we walked down to Old Chicago, where they gave us beads, plastic maracas, and these light up rape whistles. The drunker we got, the more fun it was to make noise. By the time we walked home, we sounded like a goddamn carnival; I’m sure the people who live on Hennepin were pleased as punch to hear us, but fuck them if they cant enjoy the holiday... Them not enjoying our copious noise probably just means they hate Mexicans.

The weekend treated us well. Friday, Calvin Crustitron and Landon and I walked to Old Chicago in the rain and met up with a chick that Calvin Crustitron was interested in. At least until she mentioned three other dudes were railing her. That caused Landon and I to text back and forth, very stealth-like about her skankfulness, and how she needs to shut her whore-hole because she was pissing off the waitress. From there we went to Bar Abaleine, because we caused a scene at Old Chicago when Landon threw pineapple down my shirt and I started punching him in the arm. After Bar Abaleine we met up with Jason at his house, where Calvin (still being angry from finding out Katie was a slut, and hearing Jason and I discuss who could get in her pants first) started walking around with a bottle of patron, drinking like a salty sea pirate.

Shortly after that, the night ended. Ok, this rodeo has already gone on long enough. Saturday and Sunday’s exploits will need to be told tomorrow.

25 comments:

harx said...

Margaritas at Taco Bell is full of win, I'm doing this next year.

C.Rag said...

Phil should have hit that herpes infested snatch.
It wouldn't take to much effort to get in her.

Blonde Goddess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leighann said...

I think you need to consider opening up your own bar, but having someone else run it so you can just have fun and not worry about getting kicked out.

B.E. Earl said...

I would put Cinco de Mayo on the very top of my list of favorite Mexican holidays, but it's the only one I know.

So it IS the list.

Ginormous Boobs said...

I'm gonna bet you could have gotten in the slutty girl's pants first.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

harx: exactly. cheap, and you get shitfaced while celebrating the holiday.

c.rag: meh, phil and his silly standards.

leighann: awesome idea. i dig it the most.

EARL: um yeah, what other mexican holdiays are there? day of the dead? meh, i think i'll sit that one out.

Gi: goddamn right, but meh, i'll pass on that too.

moooooog35 said...

You know you're getting old when you completely forget Cinco De Mayo.

On a related note, "Two and a Half Men" was pretty funny.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

This Katie you speak of... Do you have her number???

Tink said...

How did she start in on THAT conversation? No, don't tell me. I'm imagining you going to order and her piping in out of the blue, "So yeah, I sleep around a lot. It's cool. I like to think of it as community service."

Real Live Lesbian said...

Which Taco Bell?

I'll bring a gallon!

lotus07 said...

Damn your life must be boring..........when you are sober.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

moog: christ, your life is so much more interesting than mine. i am jealous.

Ron: actually i do.

Tink: she mentioned she had this "appointment" with a guy every mon, wed, and fri morning...

RLL: probably the one in uptown.. any of the other ones they would look at you funny for being shitcanned in the parking lot.

Lotus: actually, no, it isnt. maybe YOUR life is boring when youre sober, but mine, not so much.

Buzzardbilly said...

Fuck Cinco de Mayo. I think you should tell them all that today, from here on, will be called Sexo de Mayo and people have to sex you up at your will to your liking.

It's worth a shot anyhow.

Slyde said...

i know im getting old when i read this post and went "what the fuck holiday is she talking about?".

10 years ago i would have remembered cinco de mayo right off the fucking bat..

its sad getting old...

Mike said...

I am so glad you are taking care of my share of drinking since I was forced to give it up. Keep up the good work!

katie said...

all i keep reading in this post is "katie's a slut" and fear then ripped thru my body, my dear T-Bird! how does she know! i thought to myself!!

but then alas, i realized it was another Katie and i sighed a deep sign of relief. my secret is still safe. :)

Have a good one, T!

Malach the Merciless said...

Mexicans sure are lazy

Em said...

Jeez, is it that easy to get kicked out of bars in the States?! lol

AngryMan said...

Did you make it over to 9th and Hennepin? Did all the donuts have names that sounded like prostitutes?

Thomas said...

you should never mock your friend's choice in skanks.
It is a tough world out there with rising gas prices and rampant food shortages.

If only the president would send us all a skank instead of a fake tax refund, America would be much happier

TV

Buzzardbilly said...

The Blonde Goddess's blog has a little QuickTime movie about a special kind of flask that I think you'll appreciate. Her blog's here: http://daswede.blogspot.com/

TED VELVET said...

i went out to a local mexi place on cinco de mayo and the service was shit, i got fed up waiting for a drink i said the same thing as you, "let's just grab a twelve pack of dos equis and hit the fucking taco bell." that got their attention and the booze flowed a little more rapidimento after that. I got a T shit, beads and a glow stick corona bottle necklace.

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