Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Off Roadin' For jesus!

So while driving the other day, I had some African-american fellows staring at my car when I pulled up next to them at a stoplight. Possibly because I have a 12 inch subwoofer in my trunk and they could feel the vibrations from the bass. Because of my dark tinting on my windows (which Officer Friendly has informed me is too dark and should be scraped off… yeaaaah I’ll get right on that), they couldn’t see who was inside, and when I rolled down the window, were quite surprised to 1. hear Irish punk music playing and 2. see it was a white girl; they responded with “OHhhhh Snap! WHITE GIRL GOT BUMP IN THE TRUNK!”

Indeed. This got me thinking about car stereotypes. Everyone’s seen the Hispanic car; their last name emblazoned on the back window of a lowered truck, music blaring that makes it sound like a rolling carnival, hydraulics bumpin’ and my favorite the mudflap girl. I like them because they usually pack a metric ass ton of people inside (hey, they were going green before it was trendy!) and they drive safely because they aren’t always in the country legally.

And I’m sure we’ve all seen the typical white trash mobile… Nascar bumper stickers holding the rust bucket together, a shotgun rack, rebel flag, and a trail of chew running down the side of drivers window. Good ol’ off roadin’ for jesus!


Which brings me to religious cars; they usually drive the worst, and have some holier-than thou smarmy pro-choice stickers (FUCK YOU, MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN ABORTED), “god is my co-pilot”(well then stop driving like an asstard), and a jesus fish that the sunlight bounces off of and blinds me. Thanks, I'm sure if there is a higher power, he's proud of you and your Buick. Actually, in high school, I made it my mission to remove all of the jesus fish off of the cars in the student parking lot. Then I took the jesus fish I collected, and melted them into a phallic symbol. WHeeeeeeee!

So, what does your car say about you? Does it say you want to save some animal (that’s cool, as long as it’s not
Manatees… they aren’t cute or cuddly, so they can eat a the proverbial back of dicks in the form of extinction)? Would you rather be golfing? Have you not cleaned your car in so long that someone has written “I LIKE COCK” on your passenger side door in the grime and drawn an arrow?

Update: Harx posted a comment that reminded me of the whiskey plates; we have them in MN for when you have multiple DUI's and they give you a special license plate that starts with a "W"(so much for being a stealth drunk). A Whiskey plate along with an Irish flag, a few dents from run-in's with other cars, an upraised middle finger, and a stream of profanity leaking out of the window, and there you have the sterotypical Irish person's car! Harx's pic of his car proves he's ultimate well prepared alchy :

29 comments:

harx said...

What my car says about me is - "alcoholic".

Warped Mind of Ron said...

My truck says, "Broke son of a bitch", but it tries to say it nicely.

Mike said...

I have a similar truck to Ron's.

Yesterday, I fixed the exhaust and the damned thing got louder. Go figure.

B.E. Earl said...

Ya gotta love the smarmy, self-loving middle-aged pricks who drive gleaming sports cars or massive Hummers to compensate for the size of their willies.

I drive a Mini, by the way. ;)

moooooog35 said...

I have a body in my trunk.

I believe this says, "murderer."

I'm hoping the jury just sees it as "manslaughter-er," though.

It's a much smaller sentence.

Mike said...

You know that big pick up truck with the blacked out windows, oversized tires, and fake bullet holes that gets about a zillionth of an inch from your bumper when you are driving 80 miles an hour on the freeway?

Yeah, that's me.

Not really.

Malach the Merciless said...

My car says Malach is cool

Baba Doodlius said...

Is it just me, or does the mudflap girl have impossibly large nippels? I suppose I could be mistaken because I'm a bird, and not being mammals we lack nipples entirely.

ted said...

the middle of my rear bumper says "abide" with a picture of the dude an irish tri colored Yankees NY emblem on my window and a save the cock chugging manatees flag on the antenna

billymac said...

i drive a fucking mini-van... it sez "i'm a douchebag"

The Manic Street Preacher said...

Two empty vodka bottles, several old newspapers, God knows how many empty cigarette packets, various bits of paper relating to my union stuff, cigarette ash over the back seat, two removable car stereos with cd, an empty bottle of Bud, a Homer Simpson air freshener (that stopped working in approx 2005), a pet spider whose web covers 1/3 of the back window (I haven't seen it for ages so maybe it blew out of the window?), six fuses that mean nothing to me......

I'm surprised I can fit me in the bloody thing....

RockDog said...

Around here a see a lot of Mini Vans driven by dudes with bumper stickers that read, "I said I Do and I Meant It", and "Real Men Love Their Wives". I'm not sure where this crowd of pussy whipped dolts came from...I also wonder how they drive without a back bone?

Beach Bum said...

My car is full of McDonald's Happy meal trash, finger paint art my daughter did in school, my son's school books and whatever papers he doesn't want his mother to see, t least 10 empty pepsi bottle and honeybun wrappers,and to keep my sanity my Buffett CD's.

captain corky said...

My last car had power lock on the driver side. I was so proud of that car and it's very special feature. Unfortunately, I destroyed the car in a snow storm a couple of years back trying to rock out of snowbanks with my transmission. I guess that says that I'm an asshole. ;)

Hungry Mother said...

I drive an XTerra, which says that I'm a macho sportsman. Unfortunately, I'm a feeble geezer.

AngryMan said...

My car says that I'm a total loser. Yep, Wifey and I have a Jetta Wagon. Not only are we losers, but we're pretentious jerks b/c we have a VW.

C.Rag said...

I will beat AngryMan's ass for making fun of Helga. She's the last of her kind to be made completely in Germany. She's a turbo-deisel. She fucking rocks like a porn star.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Earl: so youre saying you have a massive cock?

Moog: if it wasnt for my subwoofer and the smallness of my car, id totally have a dead body in mine too. maybe yours if you were lucky!

Malach: somehow i'm not suprised.

Baba: yes, those are HUGE nips. but, if they are peirced, they could look that big in real life.

Ted: i dig it.

Billy: there's more than one way to say youre a douchebag while on the road.

Manic: i was totally with you until you started talking about hte spider. fuck that noise.

Rock: yep, bunch of pussys indeed. almost as hillarious as "real men love jesus"... umm yeah, maybe in jail where they are also loving it when they DONT get cock in their ass from their cell mate Frank.

Corky: not at all. there could be way worse things to have going on with your car.

Angry & c.rag: sweet car. i have a mx-6 that's fast as shit. i'm gonna miss it when i hafta get something else... cars with character are waaay better than some new peice of shit without any personality or awesomeness.

CarmenSinCity said...

My car says that I'm broke! ha ha

lotus07 said...

This is a hard one to answer. I usually don't drive. Healthier to walk or take the bus, in which case the bumper sticker / message is whatever advertisered have deceided to plaster on the side of the bus. This vehicle shows the world that I am fruggle and socially concious.

My wife drives a dodge dakota crew cab that is rather plain. I don't allow any bumper stickers on it. We have an Obama for President bumper sticker on in (my wife insisted), but I mounted it to a removable plaque. Once he is president (or defeated) I don't want the reminder there. Lowers the resale value. I suppose this vehicle shows that we are utilitarian.

I have a 91 Lotus Esprit Turbo/Intercooler in the garage which sees the light of day about once a month. It is always shiny and waxed, bright red with a license plate that has my e-mail address on it (LOTUS07). If you saw this car on the road, it would usually be quickly disappearing from your sight. So I suppose it says I am faster than you.

Slyde said...

what my car says about me?

right now it says i am about to drop kick it in the fucking atlantic if my convertible top doesnt start working!

katie said...

girl, my Corolla says, "I am a ho." i don't know why it says that but it just does. i cannot explain it, T-Bird!!

Hilarious post as always, my dear!

Roland Hulme said...

'85 maroon Firebird with oversized exhaust and 'Peurto Rican' yellow and black seat covers.

Broke-ass color blind man with small penis?

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Jesus fish. Christ, don't get me started.

minijonb said...

my plate says "TOP FIVE" and unless you know the inside joke based on the movie and book High Fidelity, it really doesn't make any sense.

buffalodickdy said...

I have reached an age where I don't give a sh*t what I'm driving, as long as it starts, stops, air con works, it's all legal, and has a good sound system...

Gulf Coast Mommy said...

My old car carried the title (bumper sticker) that appropriately read "Japanese Cadillac"

Hubert said...

Kurt Cobain sucks!

Tink said...

I'm sporting a Darwin fish.