I still cant quite put my finger on why, but I didn't think Tony was gay. Landon thought it might be an act, cause he thought Tony was hitting on Tits McGee. I saw one of the gays, Hector, on the street while walking to the bar, and I refuse to believe it's a coincidence that we had just been playing the penis game. After Bar Abaleine and the Drink, we went to Burrito loco, where I was impressed when the staff chased after some assbag that stole the tip jar. On the way back home, Calvin Crustitron and I got in a stupid argument that left us screaming profanity at each other all the way down Hennepin. Nothing but class.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Filling the streets with my noise
I still cant quite put my finger on why, but I didn't think Tony was gay. Landon thought it might be an act, cause he thought Tony was hitting on Tits McGee. I saw one of the gays, Hector, on the street while walking to the bar, and I refuse to believe it's a coincidence that we had just been playing the penis game. After Bar Abaleine and the Drink, we went to Burrito loco, where I was impressed when the staff chased after some assbag that stole the tip jar. On the way back home, Calvin Crustitron and I got in a stupid argument that left us screaming profanity at each other all the way down Hennepin. Nothing but class.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Robocop, Tater Tots, and a Recipe
Friday I first met the gays at The Eagle, where I saw a lesbian that looked like Harry Potter, a black midget (no, he dissapeared in the crowd before I could pick him up and sprint away with him), and a Pirate that spit a lot when he talked.
After that was a bbq at Bill Skark's house. I brought some ribs that were so awesomely marinated, they ripped a hole in the universal curtain of "awesome." Amy and I were considering running through the sprinklers scantily clad on the golf course he lives in , but unfortunately 1. weren't paying attention the first time the sprinklers turned on 2. were taking a 2 hr "nap" the second time they came on.
After the nap at 6 am we ate some leftover ribs and drank more rasp. lemonade-vodka and watched Robocop. Somewhere during the movie we toook another nap, and woke up ready for Uptown Bar tater tots and screwdrivers/bloody mary's. Helluva way to start your Saturday!
Sunday it was Craig's birthday, and the gays threw an a fanfuckingtastic party, despite the intermittant rain. But hey, I look great in a wet t shirt anyway. We were solidly entertained by the ghetto couple across the street having a domestic dispute. She locked him out, but then kept opening the door to throw a handful of ice at him. Their reconcillation after 15 min took away our amusement.
I made Mojito Jello shots; last time I made them, you greedy bastards wanted my recipe. Here it is in all of it's glory. If the steam doesnt burn your eyes, you're doing it wrong.
- Boil ALMOST a cup of water, the rest of the cup being taken up by lime juice and mint extract (dont use real mint leaves, when they boil they turn brown and look like dogshit)
- Add a package of lime jello and 2 tablespoons of sugar. STIR of course
- Turn off heat and add 1 cup of light rum.
YOU'RE IN BUSINESS CHAMP! (watch out, they sneak up on you like a paternity suit)
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Ahoy, Failboat!
First of all, European tourists are not the ones to take as hostages. They arent sure whether they are French or German, but come on... Both countries dont give as big of a rat's ass as America does about it's citizens being . So if you want to be a successful captor, you would aim to snag some American tourists. That's where the real booty is!
Most importantly, you cannot be a pirate and hide on land. The whole thing about being a pirate is you STAY IN THE WATER... 'a life at sea', not 'a life at sea until people are chasing me'. NO GET BACK IN YOUR FUCKING BOAT!! Bunch of pussies, that's what they are. Unless they are hunting down ninjas on land (which is a difficult endeavor to begin with) or have run out of rum, their asses should be in the water, fighting off whomever is after them.
Thirdly, snagging a tourist vessel that has run out of gas seems to take away from their pirate cred. Everyone knows you are supposed to go after merchant ships so their is more shit to steal. And a boat that has run out of gas? You dont even need cannons to take it down. LAAAaaaaaame!!! I didnt see anything in the pirate laws against this stuff, but it still doesnt seem quite right.
Main point: It's not the hokey pokey, you dont put your left foot in and take your left foot out; if you are going to be a pirate, DONT HALF ASS IT.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Remembering Memorial Day...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
June's Douchebag of The Month
The immediate cause for me awarding this to them is that there is one occupying prime space in between my house and one of my favorite bars, Liquor Lyles. It’s a great bar, but if you go there, and things suck, there’s no other options except to walk four blocks to Lyndale, where Mortimer’s and Rudolph’s are located. It really is a serious investment. Anyway, if they ran the psychics out of there like they did in the good ol’ days (with pitchforks and lighted torches, of course), it’s totally big enough to have a decent sized food-drink establishment. I wonder, since they are psychics, if they would know beforehand that someone was going to throw a brick through their fucking window?
And going along with that line of thought, how come Miss Cleo didn’t know she was going to be sued and tap out before any of that started? OH WAIT, BECAUSE SHE WASN’T REALLY A PSYCHIC! I would be hard pressed to find someone who could prove to me that they were REALLY a psychic; most are just able to give semi-decent guesses based on people’s voices and the information they are given.
Maybe the sad sacks of shit that call those psychic hotlines deserve to get ripped off. Kind of like a dumbass tax. In this case, maybe it’s the callers of those hotlines that rank higher on the douchetitude scale. I’ve said this before in different posts, to think that the universe will magically fix life problems is idiotic and that energy would be better spent trying to improve the things that one does not like about their lives. Hope in one hand, douche in the other.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
No Title Can Possibly Do This Justice
Anyway, first stop was the Liffey, where the boys were attacked by a group of cougars out for a bachelorette thing. Too bad none of them were hot and were trying entirely too hard to be "naughty." It was sad really, and they smelled of Oil of Olay anti-wrinkle cream and barely surviving hopes.
On another disturbing note, we saw this guy with his gym-teacher-with-balls-hanging-out-of-his-short-shorts.
Awesomely enough, we found someone had left a flowery, frilly umbrella underneath the bar. So, on the walk to the McGoverns, I twirled it around like Mary Poppins and had a blast with it. Here is Andy and I with it, WHEeeeee! This was before I hit a pole with it and it broke. Oops.
At McGovern's, there was some Coldplay-ish band playing. Which of course made me feel compelled to start yelling "PLAaaaaaay SLAYER!!!;" those two bands couldn't possibly more dissimilar, so as you can imagine, they did not play any Slayer for me, however, they did keep telling me they would in a couple songs.
After saving some random girl with HUGE cans (seriously, I shit you not.. they mine look small) from having to dance with this gross old man, we started dancing, which somehow lead to making out. Funny how that happened. Her girlfriend was not amused, Legos and his friends were delighted. Sorry about the poor quality of pictures. All four of the boys have promised to ALWAYS carry digital cameras on them, instead of relying solely on blackberries.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Trainwreck Friday- Choo Choo BITCHES!
- a crying jag
- Pecan Pie for Pope's Birthday that I made with Jim Beam
- Pantsless Bowling
- Piggyback Bowling (one person gets on another's back and bowls
After Stella’s and then Old Chicago, we got up on Jason’s roof with a bottle of Dr. Mcgillicuddy’s (hey, it has “Doctor” on the bottle, so that means it’s good for you, right?), and Invader Zim the cat to yell at people down below. For example, the 30 year old pizza guy got a “IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANTED TO BE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!” We knew it was time to get off the roof when a bird shit on Landon’s pant leg and he started screaming he was going to throw shit back at it.
The arab from the gas station across the street had recommended the 5 hr energy supplement, so we split it up into shot glasses to prepare for what we like to call “long distance drinking.” We met up with a birthday crowd that Jason knew at Nye’s in downtown Minneapolis, and came to the conclusion that as amusing as the polka band was, that was not the side of the bar to be on, because they poured Guinness in pure failure fashion. By this time, Landon (who had been pulling on the McGillicuddys harder than we had) was hiccupping).
We still aren’t quite sure how this happened, but we got kicked out of the cab on the way to Brits. We are good natured drunks and were agreeing with something the foreign cab driver said. Whatever. Fuck him and the border he snuck in on. At Brits I saw Jesus on the rooftop. He bought me a drink, so I assume I’m going to heaven now. We ended up back at Green Mill, who took our arguing with each other as a cue not to serve us. WTF?! We’ve been way more belligerent than that before.
Some people just don’t know how to take a joke.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
A Brave New World (of drinking)
While reading the news today, I literally got a little wet when I saw this story.
It’s a fairly reasonably priced service too, but unfortunately with the raising of gas prices, that will change. This is also a fanfuckingtastic idea because with beer being delivered, there is less of a chance of DUI’s, and other bad times that can come with non-professional (AKA non-home) drinking.
There should be more places doing this. Granted, the area they are doing it in,
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Office Retardation
Which brings me to my main issue… when did people lose their spine and become unable to deal with even the most minimal conflicts? Are we that weak as a society we have resorted to being confrontationally crippled? I think all of this touchy-feely-we-should-tread-lightly has ruined us and made us mealy-mouthed milk-toast hollow shells. Not everyone will always like everyone else. And especially in an office setting where you have a group of people thrown together who otherwise would want nothing to do with each other, it wont always be cotton candy and rainbows.
What’s the point of this post? Basically to tell everyone to cowboy up and grow a thicker skin because conflict is inevitable and avoiding confrontation wont make it go away, but instead let it simmer like a stew of bitter resentment. So if you are sick of the office douchebag peeing in the coffee pot or the office bitch telling everyone you smell like a hobo behind your back, SAY SOMETHING. Or sabotage their car. Do something, because if you do nothing, you’ll just tweak out one day and come into the office shooting.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Grand Ol' Weekend!
Just as I figured out an angry midget is a harbinger of bad times, when Landon and I saw two midgets in the post office, we knew it would be a doubly fun weekend. It actually translated into two opportunities for public intoxication. After post office on Saturday, we went to The Felafel King's buffet. If the Burger King guy is so fucking creepy, the Felafel King must be even more disturbin, but instead have a turban with a crown over it and smell like curry and old shoes. But the place was fantastic. It had a bunch of Mexican guys working at it who kept threatening to kick each other's asses. Felafel King fight club? Hmmm.. I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT!!
The first opportunity to get publicly hammered was a filthy tease. They blocked off a solid couple of streets a few blocks from us on calhoun square for the Beerfest. Too bad it was $28 to get in. JUST FOR SAMPLES!! Unless it comes from a mason jar, it'll take more than a sample to rattle my cage...
Anyway, Saturday wasn't such a lucky day for some folk... It started hailing like a sonofabitch (probably the forces of the universe in a rage about the cost of Beerfest...), and I had the distinct pleasure of laughing at some people running down a Hennepin while I was nice and cozy in my apartment, with my drink. THE FIRST of my "FUN IN THE SUN" summer drink recipes I will bestow upon you:
Tropical Mockingbird
- Pineapple soaked for at least two days in light rum and another day frozen
- Tropicana Orange Juice (it's from the town in Fla I'm from. Don't settle for that concentrate OJ Bullshit)
- More of that light rum good times
Unfortunately, time flies when you're having rum, so next thing I know it's Sunday