Wednesday, April 2, 2008

April's Douchebag of The Month

Snow is melting, the sun is shining, birds are chirping… but douchebaggery doesn’t quit for spring; it’s always the right season! Now before I get into the meat (and I know I love meatiness, DON’T YOU?!?), I’d like to give an honorary douchebag runner up award to all of the people who said they were quitting blogging. Yes, haha, yesterday was April fools, BUT, to all of the ones who have threatened to swear off blogging forever, don’t just talk about it, do it. And if it’s being said to get people to pander to you and say: “Oh please don’t quit, you are a blogging rockstar,” you can suck a dumpster full of dicks.

Moving right along, the real douchebag heroes that have won this month are the Hookah smoking hipsters. Personally, I don’t get the idea of wanting to put smoke and filth in your lungs if you aren’t going to get high. If these were opium dens and not hookah lounges, I would be in full support of them. It’s almost akin to the scam of non-alcoholic beer. Why not just smoke something out of a light bulb that doesn’t get you high (but still makes your teeth rot out), so you can FEEL like you’re smoking meth. My main point is, why would you do something that gives you the negative aspects but yet gyps you over on the positive, pleasurable benefits? Who the fuck do you think you are, that blue caterpiller from Alice and Wonderland?
Just say no


How about you shove those hookah mouthpieces up your ass (hell, you might get more pleasure out of it that way)? Blowing smoke up your ass is in essence what your friends and whomever else has done by convincing you going to these places is a quality idea. Not only are these goddamn hookah lounges a waste of fucking effort, but they are taking up prime realty in my trendy Uptown Minneapolis neighborhood. Yes, there are already a shit ton of bars within walking distance, but I’ve managed to piss off a bartender at one of my favorite places (THAT was a whole bag of fail on my part), so a new bar would be welcome at this juncture.

When being hip becomes more important than common sense, it’s time to put down the starbucks, take off your ipod, and think for yourself. If you cant do that, I hope you get raging mouth herpes from the hookah mouthpeice, as sort of a scarlet letter to warn everyone of your douchebagtitude.

41 comments:

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

Hey, go easy on the blue caterpillar from Alice and Wonderland. I portrayed him in the play when I was 11.

Man, I was soooo good in that play.


"Tell me, a-whoooo arrre a-youooo?"

moooooog35 said...

In New England, "hookah" has a whole different meaning...as it's how we say the word, "hooker" up here.

Also, if you read it the way I did, it gives this post a whole new meaning. For instance:

"If these were opium dens and not hooker lounges, I would be in full support of them."

"How about you shove those hooker mouthpieces up your ass.."

"..I hope you get raging mouth herpes from the hooker.."

Wait. Maybe you DID write about prostitutes. My bad.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

moog: cute.

lotus07 said...

What comes around, goes around.....in a few years, the average Iraqi or Afgani will be bitching about all those damn Walgreens and Jack-in-the-Boxes are muscling out their favorite Hookah Lounge.....

TED VELVET said...

I'm a fake quitting asshole where's my douche award? I might give out douche awards to whorish amazonian drunks.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Ted: sounds like i'm a shoe-in. do i get a sash?

moooooog35 said...

She called me cute!

(Say in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer voice for maximum effect)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Moog: better than calling you a douchebag!

C.Rag said...

Dumpster for full of dicks gave me herpes.

Mike said...

Tequila: Actually, you did call moog a douchebag. Even if it was a runner up douchebag.

'Just sayin

Also, as someone who used to smoke but doesn't anymore, well, that makes me the biggest whiner about smokers there is.

So in honour of your douchebag award, I'll do my darndest to walk into the hookah lounge of your choice and suplex EACH AND EVERY ONE of the douchebags in there. And then leave hookahs in their anus's.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: i called the people who are always FOR REAL bitching about they want to quit blogging douchebags. i left out the april fool's assholes.

and yes, i used to smoke too, so i bitch about it constantly. fucking assbags.

Slyde said...

a dumpster full of dicks?

thats a lot of dicks...

i think i'd probably get tired after a trashcan full...

wait, what?

harx said...

I like moog's idea, I'll take the hooker bars over opium dens plz.

Jon said...

So Jabba the Hutt was a hipster? I didn't see him wearing skinny jeans. Shit, I didn't even think he had legs.

I'm confused.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Mooooog35 has finally cleared up something that has really been messing with my head. I kept going into "hookah" lounges and giving them money and wondering why the hell they just told me to sit down and smoke. I mean seriously I kept waiting for the hookah's to come out :(

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Jon: that's the goddamn caterpiller from alice in wonderland... fucking pay attention, champ!

Mike said...

The only thing I want to know is what do I have to do to get the douche bag of the month award for Christ's sake?

You want me to give up a kidney? Okay, I will, but I fucking better get douche bag of the month next month or I am going to quit blogging and start smoking a hookah.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

MIke: you must sacrifice your first born in a fire fueled by vodka and disgust for brett michaels. then we can talk about it.

Knight said...

I always liked that caterpillar but only because in the original he was smoking Opium. You know he was high as hell. That whole story was a giant drug reference. Aww, now I want to watch it again!

Mike said...

Tequila: You know what irks me?

Those assfucks that spend their time at work smoking cigarettes, when they should be blogging :P

Baba Doodlius said...

Yes, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass" are about the most drug-induced stories as have ever been written, even though Lewis Carroll claimed they weren't. I think they're even available for free nowadays, in e-book format.

Jon said...

Tequila: I know that's the goddamn caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland. And even if I didn't beforehand I should have picked it up from your post. Yes?

I'm just sayin' that Jabba is another pop culture icon also known to enjoy some smoke from a hookah.

And I nominate you for douchebag of the day for blowing up my joke.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: fuck them in the face with a baseball bat for not knowing their priorities. see how they like them apples... hell, it would probably be healthier for them than smoking their sticks of death.

Jon: i humbly accept.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Douchebagolicious post.

Hungry Mother said...

I think being 25 on the comment list and drinking NA beer gets me on the short list for DBOTHM.

Hopper said...

i think my favorite line was "they should suck a dumpster full of dicks"... it's more poetic than anything i've read today... you've got the alliteration... the graphic imagery...

dropped in today for the first time and love the site... you got moxy... catch you on the flip side...

Hopper said...

and ummh... in response to some of the comments about Lewis Carrol... i'm pretty sure that some of the references in his work were about drugs but few people know that he was a minister (very spiritual guy) and wrote the stories for his kids and grandkids... he just had a very twisted imagination... my fav part was the bottles that said don't drink me... Carrol was almost as warped as Swift and Dr. Seuss in my humble opinion... minister or not you've got to be some kind of twisted in the old noodle to come up with such pure fantasy...

B.E. Earl said...

Never piss off a bartender, even if you hate them.

Pretend that you like them and they will buy back more often.

Here endeth the lesson.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Hopper: yeaah i'm the salvatore dhali of imagry...

moxy? hmm... if by moxy you mean guinness, then fuckmeintheass you are right.

and yes, of course if he was a minister he was probably more warped. hell, he probably toned down some of his fantasies. i'm sure there's one we've never seen with a carrot penetration, sparkly syringes in pimp hats and tango dancing ligers.

Jay said...

When I start reading somebody's blog and they are bitching about what a burden blogging is I just fucking leave. I'm sick of the people who talk about wanting to quit. So what? Quit. Some of them I'll miss, but this talking about quitting so everyone will kiss their ass is stupid.

If and when I quit I'll just post a "see ya" and be gone.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hookers? Why are Hookers douchebags of the month? Man, Hookers always get a bad rap.

Oh and Capn't Flak likes to have gay sex with me.

Matt-Man said...

Mmmmmmm opium. I've always wanted to go back in time and party with Coleridge as he wrote Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. Boo Yah. Cheers!!

AngryMan said...

Got kicked out of a hookah lounge, huh?

buffalodickdy said...

I had no idea this was even going on... I did know cigars took a major dump, and are no longer super cool...

billymac said...

i dunno... that sounds like the ultimate in trendy bullshit, i fucking hate trendy bullshit.

captain corky said...

I'll never quit. NEVER! And I'll never suck a dick either. Not my bag.

Ginormous Boobs said...

My friend is throwing a Mustache Hookah party this weekend...does the added stache make it any less douchey?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Ginormous: only if it's a tom selleck like 'stache. i fucking love tom selleck

Tequila Mockingbird said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
R.E.H. said...

But, but, but... I didn't say I was gonna quit... ;)

I liked your take on smoking for teeth-rot rather than a high - that's funny!

katie said...

Ha! Oh, T-Bird-i could not agree more! I hate how people are all, man, i think i am gonna quit blogging and then everyone starts licking their ass so they won't and the blogger's all, well, since you all looooove me so much, i guess i'll carry on with my blog somehow. Douchebags indeed!!

You have a great weekend, my dear!