I was in a bit of a foul mood while driving to work today. and I thought about my dream job and what it would be. Granted I’ve toyed around with the idea of how awesome being a panhandler would be, but it was raining today, so that was out. And I started thinking about what I do best, my hobbies, interests etc… I LOVE BEING AN ASSHOLE, wouldn’t it be great if I could get paid for it? You may be thinking, who would pay you to be an asshole to people? Well, dear reader, I think there’s a bigger market than you may think for this service.
For example, your ex boyfriend is getting married. You pay me to stand up in the middle of the wedding and start screaming out “THIS PIECE OF SHIT GAVE ME GENITAL WARTS!!!!!” and start sobbing as I run out of the church. Did a resteraunt give you poor service or food? Well, hire me and I’ll go there with a purse full of rats, let them go and then stand on my chair, screeching about vermin and throw in some false fear of getting rabies. It’ll clear that place out in no time.
I could even employ the help of my obviously pregnant friends. We almost did it to Jason last week, but thougth better of it. Nothing really ruins the magic of a first date as much as having a pregnant girl come to your table, upset about her “baby daddy.” There are just so many awesome options for my asshole-for-hire business. Got a coworker you hate? Well, planting a flask or some drug paraphanalia in their desk and then sending an anonymous note to the boss will take care of that right quick!
Do you have people telling you that youre acting like a dick all of the time? Youre just the kind of person we are looking for to commit some douchebaggery for hire. And look at how much money that assbag Dr. Phil makes from being an asshole? That can be you!