Thursday, April 24, 2008

My Dream Job

I was in a bit of a foul mood while driving to work today. and I thought about my dream job and what it would be. Granted I’ve toyed around with the idea of how awesome being a panhandler would be, but it was raining today, so that was out. And I started thinking about what I do best, my hobbies, interests etc… I LOVE BEING AN ASSHOLE, wouldn’t it be great if I could get paid for it? You may be thinking, who would pay you to be an asshole to people? Well, dear reader, I think there’s a bigger market than you may think for this service.

For example, your ex boyfriend is getting married. You pay me to stand up in the middle of the wedding and start screaming out “THIS PIECE OF SHIT GAVE ME GENITAL WARTS!!!!!” and start sobbing as I run out of the church. Did a resteraunt give you poor service or food? Well, hire me and I’ll go there with a purse full of rats, let them go and then stand on my chair, screeching about vermin and throw in some false fear of getting rabies. It’ll clear that place out in no time.

I could even employ the help of my obviously pregnant friends. We almost did it to Jason last week, but thougth better of it. Nothing really ruins the magic of a first date as much as having a pregnant girl come to your table, upset about her “baby daddy.” There are just so many awesome options for my asshole-for-hire business. Got a coworker you hate? Well, planting a flask or some drug paraphanalia in their desk and then sending an anonymous note to the boss will take care of that right quick!

Do you have people telling you that youre acting like a dick all of the time? Youre just the kind of person we are looking for to commit some douchebaggery for hire. And look at how much money that assbag Dr. Phil makes from being an asshole? That can be you!

31 comments:

moooooog35 said...

And to think I've just been GIVING my douchebaggeriness away!!

Along with Spam and Depends Undergarments, just another thing I wish I would have come up with first.

lotus07 said...

I just found my new dream job.....I do this all the time....and DON'T get paid for it.

TED VELVET said...

how's your dental plan? 401K? I've actually been paid to be an asshole, it's called teaching

C.Rag said...

I would invest in your future career.

I also invested in truck nuts.

Mike said...

Or you could suck cock for bus fare and then walk home?

Malach the Merciless said...

Yeah, prositute, but a very critical prostitute could be a hoot

B.E. Earl said...

I love a sentence that uses both "assbag" and "asshole" as the second to last one in the post did.

Well done!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

You could do phone sex for those guys who like to be abused. Get paid by the minute to tell some retard how worthless he is. What fun!!

Buzzardbilly said...

OMG you area a genius. If Donald Trump happens upon this post you'll be a shoo-in for the next Apprentice.

One to add to your bag o' assholiness: Guy I knew in college fought with the same cafeteria disher harridan every meal. His friends dared him to do something about it. He horked down some syrup of ipecac (sp?) while coming toward the line, held the retch till he got to her, and projectile vomited right in her face/chestal region. Of course, you'd want to hire a minion to do the actual puking.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: i'll pass. how about YOU Suck cock for bus fare!!!

Malach: wtf?! once again you werent paying attention, but i guess that's par for the course for you.

Earl: ive found you can never use "ass" in conjunction with other words too many times in a sentence.

Warped: i actually did phone sex for a semester in college. meh, it wasnt that bad, but it wasnt that good.

Buzzard: that is some awesome shit. i will keep it in mind.

harx said...

Me likey, I'm gonna put you on retainer.

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

My dream job?

Fuckomatic Orgasmatron.

I don't know what that is but I bet the work life balance is awesome.

Baba Doodlius said...

I put a powdered sugar-filled ziploc bag on a friend's desk at work once. That got some yuks.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Tequila,
LOL, my sister did it for years and made a living that way. The problem was I couldn't ever call one of those lines because I was scared she would answer the phone. Really screwed up my sex life :)

Roland Hulme said...

god, your blog is awesome! This post is hilarious. I don't know 'asshole' would be the exact term. More like the opposite of 'troubleshooter' whatever that would be.

R.E.H. said...

Douchebaggery for Hire! I like that for a slogan or even a business name.

I know who to turn to should I need those kind of services!

Jay said...

I like this idea a lot. You could pretty easily franchise this too! Think about it. Douchebags working for you in every city in the Midwest. All you would have to do is sit back and take 18% of their revenues.

You could even advertise your business on everyone's blogs. And your cable ads would have "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" as a theme song.

It could work!

AngryMan said...

My advice is to incorporate, it'll cut down on the liability. I'll draw up the papers.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

capt: you and me both

BAba: awesome idea!

Ron: nice. i liked it cause i got to do my homework and paint my nails while at work. maybe i should eventually post about my experiences as a phone whore.

roland: Thnx.

jay: there's a moving with norm mcdonald in it called "dirty work." it's pro. if you havent seen it, go do it.

angryman: i like how youre always trying to get me in trouble

Mike said...

As always, great idea Tequila. There's nothing wrong with getting paid for what you do best.

Hammer said...

What a beautiful idea!!!

RockDog said...

See, it's great ideas like these that make the world a better place. I could slap myself for not thinking of it first. I may hire you for my next class reunion...Is there a long waiting list? :D

Sparkling Red said...

Next time I'm bored, I'm going to walk around with a purse full of rats, just for kicks. Of course I'll give you full credit if anyone asks me where I got the idea.

doorknob_dan said...

I do this shit for free.

Just Sayin' said...

I dunno... Somethin' about getting paid for it just seems... Well it just seems dirty.

I mean you're supposed to be an asshole for the sheer wanton joy of truly destroying another human beings day... Week... Or maybe even their life if you're lucky.

Once you go pro... it's just a job.

billymac said...

i think you're on to something...

Hungry Mother said...

I think my late mother-in-law had a patent on the job. I don't know if she franchised it, but the original was a piece of work.

AngryMan said...

I'm not trying to get you in trouble, I'm trying to save you the costs of unlimited liability. You'll thank me when someone tries to seize your house to satisfy the judgment entered against you!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: indeed. being an asshole and blowjobs, it's what i do best. but i dont get paid for blowjobs, those are just for fun.

Rockdog: better reserve me soon.

Sparkling: why WOULDNT it be a good idea to walk around with a purse full of rats, or weasels, or badgers? seems like a grand idea!

Just Sayin: but i am an asshole for the wanton joy of it... i just want reimbursemnt because i am poor white folk.

Billy: fucking a right i am!

ANgryman: well thanks. can i pay you for your legal servics in barter? i'm sure there's someone you want me to be a dick to!

Leighann said...

You're an evil genius!

shifly said...

I'd love to hire you, when can you start?

I'd also like to leave you with my resume, I'm good at hiding in alley's as well. ;)