Monday, April 28, 2008

Mucho Bacon, A Corset, and Negroville

The weekend was a bit more sedate compared to weekends that have come before. Friday we went to La Fonda, and I was pissed I didn’t get to see the mariachi band. Although, they had the perfect sized margaritas… Tequila Mockingbird size, in fact. After a couple of them, I did not care there was no mariachi band, nor did I care that one of the waitresses had a distracting tractor ass.
Saturday there was some awesome Mall of America shopping that culminated in a corset of “win”. After that we had some afternoon Guinness and watched
“The Assassination of Jesse James, By The Coward Robert Ford,” which legitimately sucked balls. It was disjointed, and kept going off on rabbit trails. It reminded me of when my slightly senile Grandfather from the old country would get drunk and try to tell a story. You sort of knew what he was talking about, but overall it was confusing and hard to follow.

That night I ended up at Famous Dave’s where my corset of win got me into a bit of trouble. See, I tend to talk to random people when I drink, especially if there’s something about them that catches my attention. So I go up to this guy, and I’m like “I totally love your jacket, can I get a pic with you?” and he’s like “Sure; you know, I really love your shirt…”

Where is Negroville? I’m still not quite sure… I didn’t see it on a map. Anyway, the weird look on my face is because although you can’t see it, Mr Negroville put his hand on my ass. I was torn between drunken hysterical laughing and wanting to sodomize his eye socket with my elbow. I decided I did not want to go to jail, so I opted for disengaging his hand and scurrying away quickly.

Sunday, Landon and I were too lazy to yell at each other through the walls, so we just texted each other about getting ourselves to the Chinee Buffet. Afterwards we went shopping so he had some decent clothes to wear to his new job (before he had been ok with looking like a boxcar kid). He was actually unemployed for part of this week, and he made the most of his time by doing the following:

  • Cooking 2 lbs of bacon (my arteries clogged from just smelling the greasy goodness!)

  • Did his taxes (hey, better late than never)

  • Pirated more dvd's

  • Cleaned out his car, and found his slingshot inside (WTF? What, are you dennis the menace?)

Overall, a good weekend despite the light snowing. Thanks Minnesota... that's what the end of my April reeeeeallly needed!

27 comments:

harx said...

I'm not sure what a 'tractor ass' is, but it sounds like something I need to hit.

harx said...

...oh yeah, and the only thing better than a slingshot is a pellet gun small enough to conceal in a jacket.

Drunks are fun to watch when glasses start exploding all around them.

C.Rag said...

Once you go to Negroville,
you never go back.

billymac said...

i heard that negroville is right next to margarittaville and just down from whitestown, they have a big rivalry between their high schools, and nobody can understand what the other guys are saying.

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

I planted a vegetable garden this weekend. MATCH THAT.

Hungry Mother said...

Landon seems to have similar hobbies to mine.

B.E. Earl said...

Negroville sounds like a magical place. Kind of like Pleasantville, but you know...blacker.

Leighann said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leighann said...

My husband keeps a mini baseball bat under the drivers seat of our mini van. He's gangsta like that.

Love the expression on your face when Negroville Man grabbed your ass! Free gropes baby!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Harx: i actually defined tractor ass to describe Lawyerman's ex wife.

i'm debating on using the slingshot next time i have people looking in my goddamn windows while i'm on the elliptical.

c.rag: eak.

Billymac: sounds like "bring it on" only with less cheerleaders.

Capt: you have beaten me once again. i wish my life was as "on balls" as yours.

Hungry: you guys would probably get along thick as thieves.

Earl: that was how i invisioned it too... kind of like detroit meets smallville.

Leighaan: i have a ice pick under mine. it's good to have weapons.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Funny, I posed for a picture with that guy and he grabbed my ass too. I had about the same expression.

Mike said...

Don't give us that. It was the look of pleasure.

You wanted to take negroville home, didn't you.

And you wanted to take tractor ass home to your elliptical, didn't you.

moooooog35 said...

Negroville is actually an amusement park.

It's similar to LegoLand, but with more Obama and less security.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Ron: that's hot. i want to see pix.

Mike: definitely not pleasure. perhaps when strange black men grab your ass when youre just trying to get a picture mocking them YOU get a rise. me, not so much.

and as for tractor ass, i want noooo part of that.

Moog: i thought negroville might have more security, bad credit, and smell like funyuns...

Ginormous Boobs said...

That shirt is very hubba hubba!

Hammer said...

Didn't you get the memo?

I really like your jacket translates to "please grab my ass" ;)

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Harlot, you will be in Hell Soon, with that Karen Carpenter . . . De Pope Commands it so!

Malach the Merciless said...

Wasted on crack in Negroville . . .

Joshua said...

Same thing happened to me this weekend!!

ok, well not really. but it could have.

Beach Bum said...

My wife found my slingshot several years ago in my old army footlocker and said the same thing about me being Dennis the Menace. After I was finished with her after bending her over the couch I asked if Dennis had ever done anything like that before.

Slyde said...

i'm pretty sure that jimmy buffet has a song about Negroville, and looking for a lost shaker of salt or something...

Jay said...

I thought it was totally acceptable to just grab some random white chicks ass while she's getting a picture of your jacket. Of course I've never been known for my social skills.

I took that movie out of my Netflix queue cause everybody says it sucks.

Mike said...

You mean we aren't supposed to have slingshots in our cars? WTF?

How are we supposed to protect ourselves when we go to Negroville?

AngryMan said...

Next time Landon cooks up that much bacon, let me know and Wifey and I will make a trip to see you guys.

Colonel Colonel said...

Holy cow, that's not as Margaritaville, it's a Margaritavillage!

Bacon. Now I'm hungry again.

TED VELVET said...

I went to negroville college. graduated with a degree in slappin' bitches

Roland Hulme said...

I was with Harx, I had no idea what a Tractor Ass was. Now I know (and knowing is half the battle.)

The other half (of the battle) is apparently violence.