Friday, April 25, 2008

An Open Letter To Those Who Walk Past My Apt:

Dear Passers-by,
I understand that my apartment is located on a heavily traveled street in Uptown. Trust me, that has not been lost upon me; when I hear car alarms going off in the middle of the night because juvenile delinquents are shaking them, how can I forget? Don’t get me wrong, I love my location, I’m within walking distance from a myriad of awesome places, many of them bars, and being able to walk to them (and stumble home) has kept me from getting multiple DUI’s.

Anyway, I’d just like to say a few things to those pedestrians that pass by my windows. Just because you can see in, does NOT make it ok for you to watch me on the elliptical. Seriously, I’m sweating off yesterday’s boozing to some Black Sabbath, and you’re just standing there like Creepy McStalkerson. You’re fucking lucky I didn’t have Landon shit in a paper bag and put it under the hood of your VW. He would’ve probably done it with glee.

Also, I can hear the shit you say when the windows are open. What, you think you smell weed? Great job Scooby Doo, you’ve solved the mystery!!! However, those plants in the window are not weed, dumbass; it’s goddamn cilantro and chives.

So you don’t like “
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”? Well, I wasn't tickled pink by it either, but we had already gone to the trouble of downloading and burning it, so fucking a, we were going to finish it. But, when you, asshat-of-discriminate-tastes walks by and criticizes it, it makes me want to go outside and deliver a Christpunch to your taint.

Thanks for keeping this in mind when and if you walk down my street. It’s as much for your benefit as it is to mine, because you never know when some
big guy in a ski mask might jump out of an alley to scare the shit out of you for annoying him and/or his roommate.

Sincerely Yours In Douchebaggery,
Tequila Mockingbird

29 comments:

Leighann said...

Well said. You're going to leave a stack of these babies on a table outside right? ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Leighann: not so much.. because then it would be easy to figure out which apt was mine, and then they would know who is responsible for the bag of shit under their hood...

The Doggy Did It said...

I say if you leave the curtains/blinds open your ass is fair game. I am totally coming by to watch you work out...I hear you can burn calories just by watching someone else do it.

Either way, I will be the fat lady with the camp chairs and the big bowl of popcorn.

Jay said...

Dang it. I was making some decent money selling tickets to people who wanted a good spot to watch you on the elliptical!

Maybe if you just pointed a gun at them while they were staring they might get the hint? It's worth a try.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

If I can't watch you on the elliptical what the hell am I supposed to masturbate to?!?! Well you make an exception for me? After all I already bought my season tickets from Jay!

harx said...

you saw me there?

damn.

and I had a long weekend of stalking you all lined out.

B.E. Earl said...

So if I walk by, see you and shout "put 'em up on the glass!" you wouldn't comply?

That's disappointing.

doorknob_dan said...

I find that if I leave my window open, the corpses usually attract the attention of police.

For this reason I keep my shades closed all the time. Who wants another embarassing fiasco like last week - people screaming, police with their guns drawn, sirens, getting dragged out of my apartment in my underwear.

Hell, it was almost enough to get a man to reconsider having his own private stem-cell research projects.

ted said...

three words: urine super soaker

Malach the Merciless said...

I can still masturbate under the window right?

lotus07 said...

The joys of urban living. I have this same problem in the country....only with bears.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Doggy: going by that logic, if you say all kinds of shit outside my window and peer in, your car is fair game.

Jay: i better get a cut. if htey are watching my sweaty, makeupless ass bouncing around in a wife beater and short shorts, i deserve some loot.

Ron: Brazillian fart porn. i shit you not, it exists. Landon made me watch it at like 7 am.

Harx: you MAY stalk me. continue with your weekend plans. oh hey, was that you that left tupperware in the street? srsly, i saw some this morning on the way to my car...

EARL: prob not. sounds liek a recipe for a rapin'

DAn: congrats, you managed to creep me out a little! gold star for you!

Ted: gross.

Malach: i dont think i can stop you.

Lotus: bears are less creepy

Just Sayin' said...

What the hell is a ChristPunch???

By the way... I promise not to stare at you while you are exercising anymore. I'll wait for when you step out of the shower...

Mike said...

Do it nekkid on the eliptical. Then, if the guys (or girls) are old, ugly, gross, yucky, you can sue them for lots of money.

If they're really hot, you can jump off the eliptical, pull em through the window, make hot monkey love, and throw them back.

Creepy McStalkerson said...

I can see you.

Shifly said...

Creepy, I can see you seeing tequila... ;)

Stalky said...

creepy/shifly

I'm getting it all on tape for later.

Mike said...

Just send me naked pictures and I'll quit peeking in your windows for Christ sake. I mean there is nothing complicated about it.

RockDog said...

I've found that shooting people with flaming arrows will stop the douchetastic ass hats from window stalking...

Have a kick ass weekend!

Hammer said...

People have lost all sense of propriety.

I love it that you said Dewy Cox and taint all in one post ;)

billymac said...

i too am interested in what a christpunch is...

Ginormous Boobs said...

Do the bag of shit thing. Take video. Post it.

C.Rag said...

If you shoot at one of those people walking by your apt it would solve ALL of your problems.

Beach Bum said...

If your windows were open I too couldn't stop myself from looking as I pass by. But as for really ogling ladies working out nothing beats just going to the gym.

Malicious Intent said...

Only a bag of shit under their hood? You are way to kind. Wanna borrow my chainsaw?

katie said...

god, i love you, T-bird! you are a trip!

Hope you had a great weekend!

captain corky said...

I think you should start heaving bricks at them from your window. That always seems to do the trick.

AngryMan said...

Urinate out the window as they walk by.

Tink said...

You should keep an airhorn handy for the people that walk by. That way if they annoy you, you can blow out their eardrums.