I understand that my apartment is located on a heavily traveled street in Uptown. Trust me, that has not been lost upon me; when I hear car alarms going off in the middle of the night because juvenile delinquents are shaking them, how can I forget? Don’t get me wrong, I love my location, I’m within walking distance from a myriad of awesome places, many of them bars, and being able to walk to them (and stumble home) has kept me from getting multiple DUI’s.
Anyway, I’d just like to say a few things to those pedestrians that pass by my windows. Just because you can see in, does NOT make it ok for you to watch me on the elliptical. Seriously, I’m sweating off yesterday’s boozing to some Black Sabbath, and you’re just standing there like Creepy McStalkerson. You’re fucking lucky I didn’t have Landon shit in a paper bag and put it under the hood of your VW. He would’ve probably done it with glee.
Also, I can hear the shit you say when the windows are open. What, you think you smell weed? Great job Scooby Doo, you’ve solved the mystery!!! However, those plants in the window are not weed, dumbass; it’s goddamn cilantro and chives.
So you don’t like “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”? Well, I wasn't tickled pink by it either, but we had already gone to the trouble of downloading and burning it, so fucking a, we were going to finish it. But, when you, asshat-of-discriminate-tastes walks by and criticizes it, it makes me want to go outside and deliver a Christpunch to your taint.
Thanks for keeping this in mind when and if you walk down my street. It’s as much for your benefit as it is to mine, because you never know when some big guy in a ski mask might jump out of an alley to scare the shit out of you for annoying him and/or his roommate.
Sincerely Yours In Douchebaggery,