Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Booze Infused Wisdom

Some of the wisdom that comes out of a night of drinking can be simply astounding. Usually, since my memory isn’t as clear, I need to write it down… this has led to me waking up with barely decipherable scrawls across my hands and arms. But, now we have a chalkboard in the kitchen to capture those sparkling gems that have been produced when the stars and drinks align to form brilliance. Here are some:

  • “You know you’re on a date with the wrong person when you make out with them with one eye open, scanning the club for someone better…”

  • “One refill does not a tip make” (this was after a drunken Chinese buffet excursion)

  • “Best hit the books… No one wants to fellate a dullard”

  • Goatse is our generations walk on the moon… everyone will always remember where they were when they first saw him”

Yesterday it was finally nice enough to do some grilling, so Landon and I brought some drumsticks that I had soaked all day in three kinds of BBQ sauce, mesquite, and garlic powder, and then Hart, his girlfriend, and Jason had pasta salad and spicy brats. We played some cards, and Jason went on a date. We actually had a decent idea of where he was taking her in Uptown, and we toyed with the idea of finding him and having Nicole, Hart’s very very pregnant girlfriend, go up to him on his date and being like “I THOUGHT YOU LOVED US! WHO IS THIS WHORE?!?” but we aren’t totally douchebags.

Instead we went to Bar Abaleine for some two-for-one action and to watch the Wild game. Jason joined back up with us, and I’m not even sure what it was in reference to, but Landon came up with “No need to milk the prostate when you can get the clown for free..” but he said it with such conviction, it SEEMED like a golden nugget of wisdom. And sometimes presentation is everything; the appearance of knowledge can be more valuable than the knowledge itself. So next time a friend of yours is having a bad day, and needs some words of encouragement, take their hand in yours, look at them deep in the eyes, and say: “No need to milk that prostate when you can get the clown for free” and then walk away quickly, before they can ask you any questions.

26 comments:

Jay said...

You're right. Presentation is very important. Just like when I'm watching Jeopardy. I yell out answers with such confidence that people actually wonder if the Jeopardy staff might be the ones that are wrong instead of me.

harx said...

I remember when I got my first glimpse of goatse, just looking for some innocent tranny-on-preggo anal bondage porn, and up pops that nasty image.

I was truly scarred.

The Doggy Did It said...

I cannot believe that I clicked on that link....


excuse me while I go remove my corneas with a shrimp fork.


*note to self, never click on links at TMB.

moooooog35 said...

You told me you weren't going to link to any pictures of me.

I'm hoping that the images I sent of myself wrestling Asian-red-headed-one-armed-midgets in a pool full of Hillary Clinton's scat remains confidential.

Thanks in advance.

billymac said...

wow... that was my first goatse... thank you for enlightening me and now i don't feel like eating lunch... bonus.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

I had no idea so many people hadnt seen goatse.... i thought him and tubgirl are intraweb superstars that everyone had seen. whoops!

lotus07 said...

Your drunken prose is wise indeed my young padaone.

lotus07 said...

I sort of recalled what goatse was, but wasn't sure....clicking the link brought it all back in vivid detail.

The Doggy Did It said...

If it makes you feel any better, I totally posted that link on my myspace blog...my friends are not amused.

Kitty said...

Hi. Thanks for visiting, I've had a grand time reading your blog. Love that pirate costume in the post below - sod anyone who thinks it looks weird. People have so little imagination.

I don't know what 'goatse' is, but my daughter is sat here so I'm not going to click until another time ;-)

Jon said...

Martha Stewart needs to wipe that fake look of shock and horror off her face. She knows what's up.

captain corky said...

I'll never be the same...

Malach the Merciless said...

Ahh Goatsee, I need the money at the time.

Mike said...

I would have totally done the pregnant girlfriend thing, but used a guy instead.

That would have been even better.

AngryMan said...

That was NOT NECESSARY!!!

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Ahh, that young man looks familiar yes, yes.

C.Rag said...

AngryMan loves goatse.

Brilliance only comes when drunk.

Mike said...

Oh right, I was going to leave my booze tidbit.

Friend: Look at the size of those tits!
Me: Those boobies come from chubby!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: i have a friend who's horrible with women, and one time at the bar, he was chatting up this chick, and he was like "you have really big tits for a skinny girl..." HAHAHHAHAHHA he thought it was a compliment!

Ginormous Boobs said...

Those are actually quite poignant thoughts up there on the board.

TED VELVET said...

goatse,it's not just for breakfast anymore. my ass looks like that after I eat a jar of preanuts, a pot of chili, buffalo wings, jalepeno poppers and a hand grenade.

B.E. Earl said...

Is it odd that I noticed that the Goatse guy is wearing a wedding band?

I mean, I'm not shopping around or anything...{whistles and walks away}

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Ahhh... I remember my first Goatse fondly.

Slyde said...

HOLY FUCK could you warn a guy before they might happen to click on goatsy?

i just threw up alittle in my mouth!!!!!!

R.E.H. said...

Aaaaaahh!!! Why did you have me click that link? I DID NOT know what friggin' Goatse was!!!

Now... I painfully do... I need an aspirin!

Ok... let's see if I can still remember what I meant to reply here...

Uh, yeah! I remember I used to wake up with a bunch of napkins on which I had scrawled what I thought were fantastic ideas for stories while I was drunk... only one of them ever made it to actually become a story.

And, that date thing would be SO evil. Hilarious! But, oh, so evil! ;)

Anonymous said...

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