Friday, April 4, 2008

Birthday Bitch!

So tomorrow I hit the ripe old age of 24. Jesus pigraping Christ; I really don’t dig birthdays all that much because unfortunately, women only go downhill with age… at least guys can look “distinguished” or some bullshit. I guess I just need to hope that because I take good care of myself (heavy drinking notwithstanding), I'll age gracefully like my Aunt did and look like a cougar.

Despite not totally being enamored with my birthday, there are festivities planned that I’m totally psyched for. Also, Landon made me birthday pickles; unfortunately he put too much dill in them so they hurt your face with the sourness. I had to take them out of the fridge because they were making other food taste like goddamn pickles.

As I embark upon my agedness, I leave you with these lists--

Things I know:

  • Do not pluck eyebrows while drunk
  • Ninjas do not wear corduroy
  • When bananas have more freckles than me, it's time to eat them or throw them out
  • Lady mullets mean my plumbing will be fixed the first time
  • If they come out with a new CSI show, The Who will be singing during the intro
  • Don't watch colon cleansing infomercial while high; you'll get paranoid about the parasites and filth inside of you
  • If you are a female in your 30's and have Nickleback's "Rockstar" as your ringtone, you probably will take it in the pooper.

Things I have yet to learn:

  • Why would they make my wine fridge in such a way that a box of Franzia wont fit?
  • Why can I not stop staring at someone with googly eyes? I never know where they are looking...
  • I should not send emails while drunk, they are never flattering
  • Why more businesses don't hire the mentally handicapped; they are funny as hell to watch try to work

Do you know what I want for my birthday? Well, besides a pony, I want a tampon taser. The fresh floral scent helps eliminate fear, not just cover it up!

BZzzzzzzzz


UPDATE: now i want this for my birthday too (my tits would look GREAT in it):


40 comments:

billymac said...

holy shit... a tampon taser... where you only mistake it for a real one once... ONCE!

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

Hey, it's MY birthday tomorrow! NOT YOURS! IT'S MINE! ALL MINE!

Well, me and Colin Powell. YEAH. THE G-POW!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Capt: i guess i will hafta cut off both your heads highlander style so i get the quickening...

lotus07 said...

Happy Fuck'in Birthday.....party like a 24 year old....shouldn't be that difficult.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

lotus: fucking a right i will! i even have a tiara, all ready to go!

Jon said...

Happy birthday! I'm definitely going to get drunk in your honor.

(I was going to get drunk anyway, but now there's honor involved. That's called a win-win.)

Jay said...

"my tits would look GREAT in it"

Is there any shirt that your tits wouldn't look great in?? ;-)

Have a great birthday. I hope the town survives. haha

B.E. Earl said...

What's wrong with googly eyes? ;)

Happy Fucking Birthday! My wish for you is a weekend filled with anejo shots and Guinness. And maybe some lime jello wrestling with a bi-curious female midget.

Aw, who we kiddin'? Strike the "maybe" outta that last sentence.

Leighann said...

Happy freaking Birthday!

I was going to send you a pillow stuffed with Chucks pubes but I didn't think you'd like it, so I'm keeping it for myself!

moooooog35 said...

Happy Birthday.

On another note, if you're tasing a guy from THERE, it's a little too late...ain't nothin' gonna stop him at that point.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Moog: duuude, it's not supposed to be put there...

TED VELVET said...

happy birthday, remember blackouts reverse the aging process if you can't remember it, then it didn't happen, if it didn't happen, time stood still , if time stood still, you didn't age. drink more. Be George Bush for your birthday, go taze a random dudes nuts

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Remember the ancient Birthday traditions of your ancestors by taking naked photos of yourself and posting them in blogs. Hey, I'm not making this up it's in a book here somewhere...

Happy Birthday

Slyde said...

I gotta go. i need to find a chick with "rockstar" on her cellphone right fucking quick.

Mike said...

Happy fucking birthday dood!

My 25th was the problem for me.

....A FUCKING QUARTER CENTURY.....

It was the last time I got us kicked out of a bar.

I was drunk as fuck and somebody said the pool table was slanted.

So I corrected the problem.

Who knew that table was worth 10g's?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: thnx. yeah, i fully intend on causing a ruckus tonight. Landon my roommate has already told me he'll carry me home if need be. plus i have a tiara, which i'm sure will add to the festivities

Doc said...

Happy Birthday !!

(I need to remember that about chicks with Rockstar as their ringtone)

R.E.H. said...

Damn, I bet you would look good in that T-Shirt...

Well, hope you have a great birthday... now, I'm headed out looking for women with Nickelback on their cellphones ;)

The Doggy Did It said...

I also WANT that t-shirt! I wonder if they make it in maternity??


Have a great birthday!! I am 24 too, its the 7th time now.

Malach the Merciless said...

NO FUCKING WAY! You and I have the same birthday!

Colonel Colonel said...

Happy Birthday to you!
Hope you drink the town blue!
That tiara's real bright,
hope you have a great night!
With jello shots and tattoos!

Happy Fucking Birthday!

Hopper said...

you're just frigging hilarious... love dropping by your site... it always brightens my day... and anyways... who says ninjas don't wear corduroy... HAPPY BIRTHDAY... i'll have a couple in honor tonight when i get obliterated... the allying cry will be... here's to that drunken mockingbird... and my friends will say... what the fuck are you on about... and i'll say... shut up and drink the shot...

Hungry Mother said...

Have fun tonight when you're feted at every bar in town. As for me, no more fetching tampons by using a wad of bubble gum on the end of the willie.

jIhAd PuNk said...

have a good'n drunky x

Mike said...

Well happy birthday and enjoy your weekend like I know you will.

Have a drink or two for me.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

TM, You don't look a day over 20 (based on the pis I've seen), but you write like you're 40.

Both are good things.

Happy effin' birthday.

katie said...

You say it's yo' birthday!!

Go shortay it's yo' birthday, we gonna party like it's yo' birt-day we gonna sip bacardi like it's yo' birt-day and you know we don't give a fuck cuz das yo'birt-day! woohooooooo! some 50 cent for my favorite t-bird!

wow. 24. i am so depressed. i will be 31 next month. I would give my right ass cheek to be turning 24.

you have a very happy birthday!!

RockDog said...

Happy Fucking Birthday! Have a drink on me!

Rock ON!

C.Rag said...

Got a birthday gift for you.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Happy Birthday! I LOVE that t-shirt....and could have worn it with pride last night!

Your whole post just effin' cracked me up! I wish I had learned everything you have! Good thing I have you!

buffalodickdy said...

Happy Birthday! 24??!!??!! Jebus, I think I'm wearing underwear older than you are....

AngryMan said...

If you do get that tshirt, make sure to take lots of pics. Also, entering a wet T-shirt contest may be a good idea. Happy birthday.

Beach Bum said...

Happy Birthday and I'll have another Landshark Lager in your honor. Really shouldn't since I just took my pill for sprained ankle but your worth it.

Ginormous Boobs said...

Receiving drunk emails is one of my new favorite things!

Buzzardbilly said...

Holy Shit, 24!!!

That makes me 20 years older than you. Don't listen to all of the hype about age. It's total bullshit. Men's preferences change as they age. You would be bored with the ones who always want to keep chasing younger.

Besides, Cougardom awaits you. You will be the queen of all the cougars.

BTW, a couple of days ago I added a Chuck Norris flavor suggestion for Ben & Jerry's just for you. It's on the one about Willie's flavor.

harx said...

Things I know...
- If you find something on the ground, do not put it in your mouth.

At a campout this weekend a buddy violated this rule with some mushrooms. The last anyone saw of him he was running off through the woods chasing after "the biggest chicken I've ever seen!" in his words.

Tink said...

Aw crap. I missed it. Happy Birfday!!! Do you love me even though I'm tarded?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Tink: always and immensely!

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