Despite not totally being enamored with my birthday, there are festivities planned that I’m totally psyched for. Also, Landon made me birthday pickles; unfortunately he put too much dill in them so they hurt your face with the sourness. I had to take them out of the fridge because they were making other food taste like goddamn pickles.
As I embark upon my agedness, I leave you with these lists--
Things I know:
- Do not pluck eyebrows while drunk
- Ninjas do not wear corduroy
- When bananas have more freckles than me, it's time to eat them or throw them out
- Lady mullets mean my plumbing will be fixed the first time
- If they come out with a new CSI show, The Who will be singing during the intro
- Don't watch colon cleansing infomercial while high; you'll get paranoid about the parasites and filth inside of you
- If you are a female in your 30's and have Nickleback's "Rockstar" as your ringtone, you probably will take it in the pooper.
Things I have yet to learn:
- Why would they make my wine fridge in such a way that a box of Franzia wont fit?
- Why can I not stop staring at someone with googly eyes? I never know where they are looking...
- I should not send emails while drunk, they are never flattering
- Why more businesses don't hire the mentally handicapped; they are funny as hell to watch try to work
Do you know what I want for my birthday? Well, besides a pony, I want a tampon taser. The fresh floral scent helps eliminate fear, not just cover it up!
UPDATE: now i want this for my birthday too (my tits would look GREAT in it):