Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Yard O Beef For Your Soul

Often I have wondered how and why they name products the way they do. Some names make me think the marketing team is either asleep at the wheel or coming up with them at the bar. For example, Sam’s Club offers Hilshire Farm’s Yard o Beef. MMmmm doesn’t that just sound appetizing? Fuck, I can feel my arteries clogging just typing it. It sounds like a bad, gay porno movie as opposed to something to eat.

Going along those same lines is
Jig-a-loo, another product apropos for pornos. Instead of lube, it’s more like WD-40. They call it the “can of all trades,” which seems like they are just begging for someone to use it in the sack. It DOES say it’s “ideal for wood, metal, glass, rubber, leather, fabrics, most plastics, and a number of other surfaces…” So, strap on your chaps, lay down the rubber sheets, and lube up like a pro!

Some product names come from someone’s name. My ultimate favorite is Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. Yeah, maybe that’s the guys name, but it makes me wonder what OTHER ingredients are in his cookies… seems like something not quite kosher; they are indeed salty. About the only name for a cookie that might rival it would be “Cleatus Jizzmeyer.” It still gives the mental picture of some guy in overalls beating off into a bowl of cookie dough behind the shed.


Dick Blick’s actually changed their name when kids kept stealing the “B” (making it say “DICK LICKS” in large letters) which oddly enough, I can’t seem to find a picture of. Granted, I put in “Dick Licks” into google images, and I get all kinds of findings, but not quite what I’m looking for.

I’ve figured out what I would name a product if I had it. “Vodka for the Soul.” It would totally kick the ass of those heartwarming, sappy, religious-based stories. And honestly, I think vodka, tequila, whiskey, or rum for the soul might do more good than those piece of shit books.

24 comments:

Dana said...

I'll take one of those Yard-o-Beefs - it's about the only beef I can hope to get these days!

R.E.H. said...

Vodka for the soul, or the soul for vodka? Either way - it's good!

There are indeed some fun product names around... but, I can't think of any at the moment.

Leighann said...

I guess the "Where's the Beef?" lady never shopped at Hillshire Farms huh?

Just Sayin' said...

So... You know Cleatus Jizzmeyer too. Word of advice. If Cleatus ever asks you to pull his finger...

Don't do it.

No... He doesn't fart, and no... It's not actually his finger.

Just trust me...

Mike said...

My dear, it IS love in his cookies ;)

Also, do you remember the aptly named "McWraps"?

harx said...

Nothing kills an appetite like the visualization of penis in cookie dough.

B.E. Earl said...

A whole freakin' yard o' beef, eh?

Suddenly I'm feeling a bit lacking in crtain areas.

moooooog35 said...

We have "Goo-Gone."

Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with wiping sperm off your clothing, or using it as a "Morning After" substance.

Don't ask me how I know this.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

REH: both work. all of your product names would probably be in swedish anyway. FAIL.

Mike: mcwraps sound vile. i like the mcchicken ones... i had a friend in high school that worked at mcdonalds, and he used to beat off into the mcchickens. i shit you not.

Harx: hmmm, it kind of makes me want cookies...

BE Earl: a yard o beef is a little much...

MooG: i'm not surprised

Sparkling Red said...

I live quite near to a business called "Beaver Cleaners". I wish their tagline was "Is your beaver dirty?"

Tink said...

I always thought O-Spunk (as we call them) cookies sounded kind of vulgar. Like maybe they should come in little penis shapes.

The Doggy Did It said...

I was so craving a cookie before I started reading this....


thanks I did not need the calories...although now I want a yard of beef. weird.

Barry said...

You had me rolling with this post!!! now my side hurts :|

Malach the Merciless said...

Check this out. At our food pantry downstairs from where I work, we one time got this chicken soup called Cock Soup.

Beach Bum said...

Actually I interviewed for an electronic technician job at an Otis Spunkmeyer cookie making plant several years ago. I'll just say that I never ate one of those cookie again or allowed my kids to go anywhere near one after I walked out from the tour.

captain corky said...

I have a yard-o-beef in my pants and let me tell you, it aint always easy walking around with it.

AngryMan said...

I think Tequila Mockingbird would be great for the soul.

Malicious Intent said...

I cannot drink anymore. Damnit. Please have a double for me. Please.

I really really really need one and I know you can handle your intake plus mine. Vodka is fine.

TED VELVET said...

personally I like Semen McJizzcum's Spermy cinnamon crisps.

as for products with awesome names, nothing really beats Boudreaux's Butt Paste. it's diaper rash ointment.

Em said...

Ah yes, nothing beats lubing up your yard-o-beef with a tube of jigaloo. :P

Tequila for the Soul - sounds like a great title for a book - GET WRITING! lol

Fortune Cookies said...

I always wondered what the hell kind of spunk went into those damned cookies! thanks for the visual, now my co-workers think I need a paddywagon called in since I've been chorting and snickering in my cubicle for the past few minutes.

Mike said...

If my wife saw that Yard-O-Beef thing, she would think it was six feet long. It's this type of math I have shown her for measuring things.

Slyde said...

lol! this post makes me think of that old "dickens cider" joke...

"you'll never feel better than when you have a dickens cider!"

Slyde said...

" Jig-a-loo"

am i the only one offended by that name? they have GOT to be fucking kidding me...

p.s. thanks for the blog-add, missy!