Often I have wondered how and why they name products the way they do. Some names make me think the marketing team is either asleep at the wheel or coming up with them at the bar. For example, Sam’s Club offers Hilshire Farm’s Yard o Beef. MMmmm doesn’t that just sound appetizing? Fuck, I can feel my arteries clogging just typing it. It sounds like a bad, gay porno movie as opposed to something to eat.
Going along those same lines is Jig-a-loo, another product apropos for pornos. Instead of lube, it’s more like WD-40. They call it the “can of all trades,” which seems like they are just begging for someone to use it in the sack. It DOES say it’s “ideal for wood, metal, glass, rubber, leather, fabrics, most plastics, and a number of other surfaces…” So, strap on your chaps, lay down the rubber sheets, and lube up like a pro!
Some product names come from someone’s name. My ultimate favorite is Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. Yeah, maybe that’s the guys name, but it makes me wonder what OTHER ingredients are in his cookies… seems like something not quite kosher; they are indeed salty. About the only name for a cookie that might rival it would be “Cleatus Jizzmeyer.” It still gives the mental picture of some guy in overalls beating off into a bowl of cookie dough behind the shed.
Dick Blick’s actually changed their name when kids kept stealing the “B” (making it say “DICK LICKS” in large letters) which oddly enough, I can’t seem to find a picture of. Granted, I put in “Dick Licks” into google images, and I get all kinds of findings, but not quite what I’m looking for.
I’ve figured out what I would name a product if I had it. “Vodka for the Soul.” It would totally kick the ass of those heartwarming, sappy, religious-based stories. And honestly, I think vodka, tequila, whiskey, or rum for the soul might do more good than those piece of shit books.