Hey, Hey, Hey, Burrito Lady

It’s April, and I had the treat yesterday of experiencing every form of precipitation possible. At lunch, it was raining, at about 3 it started snowing, as I left work it was hailing and then on the way to my destination the slush action started. My commute this morning was pretty craptastic too! Anyway, I’m in a bit of a foul mood, as I only welcome nature giving me a hot carl when it gets me out of work. This did not happen.

As many people who work in an office environment know, there are a lot of bullshit phrases that get thrown around the way a monkey flings poo. They are usually tools of micromanaging, obfuscation, and overall occupational douchebaggery. Here are some of the all-stars:

• “Going forward…”- This is unnecessary and a waste of breath. What, are we going to go backwards instead? You aren’t Marty McFly, where it’s important to distinguish that shit.
• “Touch base”- We are not playing baseball, although when I hear it, I DO want to fuck someone in the face with a baseball bat. It’s also vague… am I to be expecting an email (those are my fave! I LOVE paper trails) or is it a phone call that I need to avoid so you are forced to email me?
• “Someone has a case of the Mondays!”- No, I just HATE you and would rather be spending the morning sleeping, getting head, working out, plucking my eyebrows, or almost anything else than being at work, pretending not to be hungover.
• Using "dub dub dub" in lieu of the "www" at the beginning of the website - This does not make you seem like any more hip or any less of a tool.
• "Thinking outside the box"-Frankly, I'm surprised when I find anyone thinking at all. Most of my thinking isnt so much in the box or outside of the box as thinking about boxes. Whether mine, or someone elses...
• “Team building exercise”- You’re kidding, right? Unless it’s happy hour, I doubt it will make me appreciate your subtle asinine sense of humor or tolerate your incompetence more.
• "I think we’ve had a bit of disconnect”- No, you are just a dumbass and have gotten yourself confused. Or, you are low priority, so I’m ignoring you.
• And my personal favorite: “Where are you with this”- Well, Chief, I’d be a lot further if you’d quit pestering me and let me do my job. And no, it’s not necessary to CC everyone and their goddamn mother when asking me this. I am very good at what I do, and you CCing people only annoys them because it fills up their inbox and makes you look like an uptight jackass. Way to go!