Friday, April 11, 2008

Hey, Hey, Hey, Burrito Lady

It’s April, and I had the treat yesterday of experiencing every form of precipitation possible. At lunch, it was raining, at about 3 it started snowing, as I left work it was hailing and then on the way to my destination the slush action started. My commute this morning was pretty craptastic too! Anyway, I’m in a bit of a foul mood, as I only welcome nature giving me a hot carl when it gets me out of work. This did not happen.

As many people who work in an office environment know, there are a lot of bullshit phrases that get thrown around the way a monkey flings poo. They are usually tools of micromanaging, obfuscation, and overall occupational douchebaggery. Here are some of the all-stars:

  • “Going forward…”- This is unnecessary and a waste of breath. What, are we going to go backwards instead? You aren’t Marty McFly, where it’s important to distinguish that shit.
  • “Touch base”- We are not playing baseball, although when I hear it, I DO want to fuck someone in the face with a baseball bat. It’s also vague… am I to be expecting an email (those are my fave! I LOVE paper trails) or is it a phone call that I need to avoid so you are forced to email me?
  • “Someone has a case of the Mondays!”- No, I just HATE you and would rather be spending the morning sleeping, getting head, working out, plucking my eyebrows, or almost anything else than being at work, pretending not to be hungover.
  • Using "dub dub dub" in lieu of the "www" at the beginning of the website - This does not make you seem like any more hip or any less of a tool.
  • "Thinking outside the box"-Frankly, I'm surprised when I find anyone thinking at all. Most of my thinking isnt so much in the box or outside of the box as thinking about boxes. Whether mine, or someone elses...
  • “Team building exercise”- You’re kidding, right? Unless it’s happy hour, I doubt it will make me appreciate your subtle asinine sense of humor or tolerate your incompetence more.
  • "I think we’ve had a bit of disconnect”- No, you are just a dumbass and have gotten yourself confused. Or, you are low priority, so I’m ignoring you.
  • And my personal favorite: “Where are you with this”- Well, Chief, I’d be a lot further if you’d quit pestering me and let me do my job. And no, it’s not necessary to CC everyone and their goddamn mother when asking me this. I am very good at what I do, and you CCing people only annoys them because it fills up their inbox and makes you look like an uptight jackass. Way to go!

31 comments:

Beach Bum said...

Before I went to work at a hospital we knew at my last job whenever the corporate feel good phrases started flying we knew a layoff was near.

harx said...

Good post, I think we've got our synergies aligned.

moooooog35 said...

I would think you'd enjoy team building exercises...especially if you were building with Legos.

I'm also always thinking outside the box...as I'm very rarely in one.

Dana said...

One of my favorite? Champion - as in "Who would like to chaqmpion this?" I'm not an idiot - I'll not be a champion when you give me more work - I'll just be more overworked!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Moog: ohhh i do enjoy them... immensely. sometimes multiple times a day if possible...

Dana: champions get prizes... so unless i get a prize, they can shove the extra work up their who-ha

FOUR DINNERS said...

being a union rep I get a lot of 'going forwards' from management. They don't seem to like it when I reply 'over a cliff?'

Another from my management is 'what do you really mean by that?'

'what I just said you dumb fucks' would be the correct, if suicidal, reply.

Leighann said...

One of the perks of working in a restaurant was the fact that when people said stupid shit you could tamper with their food and feel better about it.

MUWAHAHAHA!

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

DUB DUB DUB

Jay said...

Don't forget about "thinking outside the box" ... Boy do they love that line!

Slyde said...

fuck! i just read the replies and see that Harx already took my favorite...

"lets create some synergy"

Mike said...

You been reading Dilbert lately?

billymac said...

buzz words are your friends, like them and love them... then start using them to mask your contempt. we've done this for years at work.

for example. replace "fuck you" with "Whatever It takes"... it really makes you feel better when you say "Whatever it takes boss" after he asks you to perform some stupid shit.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Slyde: harx is a gem.

Mike: No.

Billy Mac: I heart this concept

C.Rag said...

The only saying at work we have is "how far do you want this rod up your ass?"

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

That's the bad thing about being a gynecologist: you never get a chance to think outside the box.

Ginormous Boobs said...

People at our work like to say

"How's your bandwith"
"Let's do a drill down on that item"
"How can we bucket these ideas"

Make me wanna hurl!

And hey, how was the precipitation in your pretty little panties? Can't forget that kind.

Malach the Merciless said...

Someone had a good day at work!

Thomas said...

Value Added - that is the cooperate catch phrase for education.

Sometimes I feel like adding some value with my fists or an empty gin bottle, but I might have to find a new job after that

TV

Colonel Colonel said...

Thank God I don't work at an office, but my current favorite piece of Corporate-speak is "re-purpose", which usually means "well, that went down in flames, but we spent so much time/money on it we'd better damn well find another use for it or our asses are grass".

TED VELVET said...

if someone told me I had a case of the Mondays, I'd kill their child or elderly parent. that's why I work at taco bell, we think outside the bun, and that's funny.

Em said...

Team building exercise 99 t-shirt! It's BUSINESS TIME!! You know when I'm down to just my socks it's business time, that's why they call them business socks!! :D

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Someone accused me of having "A case of the Monday's once" after the others found the all the pieces of the body they decided never to say that again.

buffalodickdy said...

Our company uses:
1. "Pick the low-hanging fruit"
2. "Threw me under the bus"
3. "Get to the decision maker"

Scott said...

Hot Carl?

NASTY!

AngryMan said...

Don't forget, "we need to clarify our job duties" -- this means that the person who screwed up is trying to shift blame to someone else for their monster mistake by adding to someone else's responsibilities.

Hungry Mother said...

Thankfully, I've never had to work someplace where those phrases are thrown around. I think people say that trite canned shit because they're afraid to say what they really think, if anything.

B.E. Earl said...

I've got a case of the Mondays.

But I get it every single day.

"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment."

katie said...

oh, god, girl. you are hilarious!! this post made me laugh out loud. Thanks, my fave T-Bird. :)

Hope you had a good one!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Ted: the title of the post is from a chipotle commerical

lotus07 said...

I am way ahead of you on this one. Check out my previous lectures on the new office:

http://lotus07rant.blogspot.com/2006/12/new-vocabulary.html

and also, don't forget:

http://lotus07rant.blogspot.com/2006/08/adminisphere.html

Same shit, different time and place.

Anonymous said...

hair fair palestine staffing cardiff groupon rapidly blogall traits drawbacks twist
lolikneri havaqatsu