Monday, March 17, 2008

The Gays, Peanut Wars, and Endless Guinness

To say this weekend was shamrockin’ would be an understatement. Friday I went to the Eagle, a fanfuckingtastic gay bar with my most favoritest homos. They honestly have the best drink specials, with three-for-one’s, which had me with one vodka cran in the crook of my right arm, one in my right hand and drinking one out of my left hand. They gays totally dig me because with my super-tallness, big curly red hair, and stellar rack I remind them of a drag queen, just without the man face or adam’s apple. So, after some raspberry kami’s I was sure enough dancing with my homo-tastic friends, which was all cool until my one friend unzipped my pants and pretended to give me some mouth-lovin’ but was really just blowing hot air on my cooch… the bartender was like “cut that shit out!”, but they have a healthy appreciation for me there, since I was one of the 5 females at the bar, and I wasn’t gross looking like the others.

Saturday, Landon and I paced ourselves (slow and steady wins the race!), not starting our pre-drinking until 5 (I’ll give Hart a lot of credit, when I talked to him at 5:30 he wasn’t even sure what bar in uptown he was at, yet he soldiered on through the entire night). The Novice was our designated driver (thanks again, cupcake!), to St Paul where we did our pub crawl. Honestly, I don’t remember all of the bars we went to, but they were all packed to the rafters. I remember McGoverns, because Calvin Crustitron was hitting on this cougar, and before we left, he gave her his phone number; the rest of the night he kept drunkenly yelling about wanting to “put it in that old whore’s butt!” Liffey’s was also legitimate good times, but beware of the rookie mistake of buying the bottle of Guinness when you can get a pint that is the same price but more booze. When I was double fisting my Guinness, I distinctly remember some dudes in green beards who were impressed with my ability to do this. I was, however, impaired enough where I had to stop texting people who were trying to figure out which bar I was at so they could meet up with us.
Hoff Happy St Patricks Day

Eventually we made our way back into Uptown, stopping at the SoHo cafĂ© for some pizza, where they were not enthusiastic with our raucous festiveness, despite the lack of belligerence (hey, we’re all good natured drunks!). This was just the fuel we needed to walk down to Williams for some green beer and free peanuts. That’s where we met random peanut guy. He was taking the free peanuts and throwing them in people’s drinks. When we realized this, we started throwing them in his, and then of course picking the peanuts out of our beer and throwing them at each other (they actually hurt if they hit you hard enough when they are wet). Normally, the staff would not look kindly upon peanut wars, but they were so busy, that was the least of their concerns.

We walked home after bar close, Landon and I arguing about who gets to sleep in the bath tub (makes clean up so much easier when you can just hose yourself off). I woke up with more beads than I started off with, my hair smelling of Guinness, peanuts down my shirt (probably my fault for having cleavage), and the NEED for much water. All indicators I did indeed have a good night.

I don’t have all of my pictures back yet, but I should by wednesday, and then I’ll post them.

24 comments:

Ginormous Boobs said...

I heart the gays! In fact, I went with my main LA gay this weekend to see a show called "America's Next Top Bottom". No Tyra as host, but the drag queen was one funny bitch.

billymac said...

now that sounds like some solid boozin... i'm jealous.

Colonel Colonel said...

You have to come do Saint Paddy's Day in Boston sometime! Sleeping it off in the tub for easy cleanup- fucking BRILLIANT!

We eagerly await pics...

Malach the Merciless said...

Aye, aye, aye, Be Blarney Stone brings tear to me eye

AngryMan said...

The way that you referred to your homosexual friends is offensive and amounts to hate speech. You must forfeit your blog is punishment. Sorry to drop this on you, but the Internet's lawyer.

Blogget Jones said...

Can't wait to see the pics....your St Pat's was better than mine!

Last week, I did try to drink, after years of not drinking. My starcrossed-lover-bartender served martinis to my friend and something called electric lemonade to me, thinking he'd go easy on me. Guess what? I drank the martinis instead, and remembered why I don't drink. I can't get a buzz going.... dang.

Glad you had a great time!

:o) BJ

Beach Bum said...

Some gay guy got close to your cooch? Lucky bastard.

Mike said...

For pictures, I would like two:

#1 - the cooch blow

#2 - the peanut cleavage.

Thanks in advance,

-Spazoid

Warped Mind of Ron said...

If you need any help making sure you got all the peanuts just let me know.

Jay said...

You have more fun in one weekend than I do in like months. I need to do something about that.

C.Rag said...

I too have similar mornings.
I usually wake up with a pearl necklace my hair smelling of Beamish, & peanuts down my shirt.

R.E.H. said...

Another wild shamrockin' party, Tequila. I may actually have to drag my sorry ass over there and party with you sometime...

...not sure I can keep up, but what the heck!

moooooog35 said...

I was wondering where my peanuts went!

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Sounds like you had yourself a time love. Give me a yell if you need someone to go in after those peanuts in you shirt.

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

OMG DID I JUST GET HOFFED?

captain corky said...

I love a woman who's not afraid to double fist!

Simply Curious said...

That's gotta be one of the worst things about having lots of cleavage. It sucks to have to constantly reach down and pull shit out that falls in. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I've taken my bra off and a shit load of crumbs have fallen out. Sometimes things that are even bigger than crumbs, and I had no idea they were in there. At least you're tall, though. I'm a short little thing. About 5' tall and one of these days I'm probably gonna tip over.

Happy belated St Paddy's, Tequila. Although I guess it's not really belated since it lasts for days around here.

FOUR DINNERS said...

Got pissed for St Paddys.

No change there then ;-)

B.E. Earl said...

It all sounds like my St. Patrick's Day.

Except for the peanuts in my cleavage. The rest was spot-on.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'll be waiting for those pics, TM. I can't wait.

Every time I read you, by the way, I crave a drink or two.

harx said...

It's Wednesday! Where are the damn pictures?!?!?

And I wanna see boobies!

TED VELVET said...

no self respecting Irishman or woman would drink green beer...that's amateur hour. I will however give you a pass because you live amongst scandenavian nordic lutherans who don't know any better. Fucking Heathens. I wish I had my own pics...god damn my idiocy.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Harx: later today when i get the last of them. you dont want me to half ass it, do you?

Ted: i didnt drink green beer. my friends did. i stayed with guiness, a beer that is so dark and fucking tasty, green food coloring wont touch it.

katie said...

oh, how i can't wait to see your photos, T-Bird!!

Glad you had a great time! I love living vicariously thru my favorite Mockingbird! :)