Monday, March 10, 2008

March's Douchebag of the Month

Yes, I know I’m a little late with this one, but I’ve been busy. Unfortunately, because I waited so long, it’s like dueling banjos of douchebaggery as to what to write about. I’ve even had bloggers nominate themselves for the award, but noooo it’s not about attention whoring. Anyway, so this month the award will be shared. First nomination is daylight savings time. Seriously, what the fuck, it’s not like we are all farmers anymore. I think we need to pick a time and stick with it. This morning when I woke up for work I felt like it was three am. And because I have been stricken with pink eye (guess that’s what I get for all of the skull fucking I’ve been engaging in), I couldn’t get one of my eyes open to check out the clock. As much as I hated the oozing puss coming out of my eye, I was more pissed off that it was time to get up than anything. Side note: Landon has threatened to put me in quarantine AND stop beating off into my eye when I sleep; I told him I hope he continues so that way his dick will seep just like my eye is. Really gets the ladies going!

The other douchebag that gets the award this month is the water treatment companies who hid that there is a metric ass ton of
pharmaceuticals in our water. As awesome as it is that fish now have 4 hour boners, low cholesterol, and are happier, it is also turning female fish into males. I think I’m going to start drinking more spring water (because even bottled water isn’t all safe anymore; some companies just bottle tap water) so my chest doesn’t start sprouting hair and I don’t grow some nads (although, it would be super hot to be able to teabag people….)
Tastier than pharmies!


I know that the pharmaceutical industry says it’s not a problem. And why would they have a reason to lie? To me, it seems they would be the very picture of honesty! But, if it’s not a big deal, then why do prescription drugs in waterways damage wildlife across the nation? At least if you’re going to douche people’s health over, give them a heads up, instead of being a ninja douchebag and having it sneak up on them. And hell, now that I know there’s pharmaceuticals in the water, I don’t feel such a need to go to the docs about my eye. I figure I’ll just splash some tap water on it, and either my eye will starting burning or the pink eye will clear up.

23 comments:

moooooog35 said...

I was wondering how I got this four hour boner.

Awesome to know.

Because I got it while watching reruns of CHIPS...

...and we all know how Eric Estrada feels about homosexuals.

Now I know it's just my Poland Springs.

The Doggy Did It said...

I am so changing the name of my blog to "Ninja Douchebag". LOL, you should go copy write that shit, so when it becomes a household term, you can make like 8 cents every time someone says it.

Christine said...

I wonder if they can drop those drugs in by request? I certainly have no problem with them pumping valium into my water supply. And if I did, I wouldn't for long!

Mike said...

I've always said don't drink the water because fish fuck in it.

Well, I didn't actually say it. WC Fields did, but either way, I was right.

Now I find out that water is full of all sorts of good things like vitamins, minerals, anti-depressants, viagra, midol, antibiotics, and probably even some syphilis.

Seriously, drinking 8 ounces of tap water now is better than robbing my local pharmacy.

B.E. Earl said...

Skull-fucking sounds like a pleasant diversion, but are you sure you didn't get the pink eye from wrestling with lesbian midgets in lime jello?

Could happen.

Jay said...

And all these years I thought it was natural to wake up with a stiffy. Turns out it was just in the water.

Hammer said...

That's why I only drink gin.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Clit boners don't look pretty at all...trust me I'm from the water department and I'm here to help!

Mike said...

You know, the funny thing is that the tap water is regulated to the tits (i work at a water plant and my regulations binder is thicker than Ron Jeremy's boner) and bottled water companies have a four page regulation.

Basically, as long as they don't piss or shit in it, they can bottle it.

Seriously.

Also, if you do grow nads, teabagging is FUCKING FUN. Especially when it's not expected.

katie said...

i try to stick with hard liquor to quench the ole thirst-aroo, T-Bird. Water is so fucking overrated. :)

Hope you had a marvelous Monday, G-friend.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, I didn't get it, wheew!

"Lucky" Flidman said...

Maybe if you drink enough, you will grow that penis that you always wanted so you can use a urinal (www.suckypoems.com)

Chuck said...

It would be bad if Landon was beating off into your eye while drinking Fiji water. Yep, that would suck big time.

TED VELVET said...

is it the one having their nuts sucked doing the tea bagging or the one sucking the nuts doing the teabagging? like "hey guys,I just tea bagged that chick." or is it, "That chick just tea bagged me?" or can it be both? or is a chick teabagging you not really a chick at all? I'm confused, better go drink some water and calm down.

Jezebel VonTizzle said...

k, this is seriously fucked up. like fucked fucked up. and i was just thinking my tap water tasted okay....back to filtered water it is!

R.E.H. said...

Teabagging sounds like dangerous business... what if their mouths snap closed?

OUCH!

captain corky said...

I wonder if there's any oxycodone in my drinking water... Gee, I hope so!

Colonel Colonel said...

Am not clicking the "tea-bagging" link...

Am not clicking the "tea-bagging" link...

Am not clicking the "tea-bagging" link...

Am not clicking the "tea-bagging" link...

... *click*

Ginormous Boobs said...

Guess the doc was right about me needing those 8 glasses of water a day!

The Doggy Did It said...

I just wanted to let you know that much to the dismay of my husband, my new favorite word is "Douche".

I did not even realize that I was using it all the time, until I called my DH a Douche last night at dinner....he was not amused.

I fell off my chair.

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Tequila Mockingbird said...

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Baba Doodlius said...

Thanks for that "tea bagging" comment. Tea baggers don't get much press for some reason.

Not that I am one or anything like that. Birds have internal genetalia. (There's your lesson in comparative anatomy for today, free of charge.)