Wednesday, March 12, 2008

To Date A Mockingbird

As many of you know, I recently entered the dating scene again (AKA endless parade of douchebags), and after two months, I’ve encountered some bizarre and interesting shit, and it simply amazes me how many good looking people are bereft of personality. When did it become acceptable to use hotness as a crutch for being boring? Also, I’m definitely unique, but I don’t look weird so that tends to attract some cock-hooligans. Not everyone has been an assbag though, and I’ve actually had some positive experiences (for example, one date I played legos with the guy. No, not because he’s a pedophile, but we both dig legos and it seemed like a fun thing to do). Anyway, here is a list of requirements, “do’s” and “don’ts”. Yes, the list was generated from my dating experiences, and they should feel fucking lucky I don’t link their internet dating profiles and in one case a photography website.

  1. You must have a job. I’m not a gold digger, but I’ll be damned if I’ll always be the one paying. Fucking get your shit together… this isn’t so much a requirement to succeed at datingas it is to succeed at life.
  2. Don’t try to leave hickeys on my tits. Seriously, we aren’t 14, and it pisses me off when I cant sport cleavage for a week because you’re being possessive.
  3. You must have a car. I’m not picking your ass up everywhere we go… Do I look like the guy from Driving Miss Daisy?
  4. Don’t spill booze on me. It’s wasteful and then I smell like vodka on the way home, which isn’t cool if I got stopped by a cop.
  5. Shut the fuck up about asking to meet Landon or any of my other guy friends. All you need to know is that I’m not banging them, so I’m not sure why you would want to hasten their scorn by meeting them; they are going to pretty much hate any guy that they think is trying to get in my pants.
  6. Do not try to meet me in a coffee shop or a tea bar (why is it called a bar if they don’t serve booze? Fucking teasing bastards!). I don’t date non-drinkers in the first place.
  7. Do not wear so much cologne my eyes burn. It makes me wonder what foul odor your trying to cover up.
  8. If you hafta ask if we are dating, WE ARE NOT!
  9. Warn me about your fucked up teeth. It’s partially my fault for going out with someone with only closed-mouth pics, but still, if they look like an old garden rake, give me a heads up.
  10. Don’t have a beard. I probably don’t want to make out with you anyway, but definitely not if you have a beard. The only man in my life I want to have a beard is Chuck Norris.
  11. And MOST IMPORTANTLY, don’t leave dirty condoms on your living room floor. This was by far the vilest thing that I ever encountered. I didn’t freak though, I asked “hey, so when’s the last time you had sex” and you responded “two weeks.” Now, I’m not sure what makes you more of a scum merchant, the fact you lied about something you totally didn’t need to lie about (it was our first date, I don’t care if you got laid yesterday) or that you had a dirty condom lying on your floor for 2 weeks. Either way, game over.

28 comments:

Mike said...

Man, I'm glad my wife won't let me date any more. There are too many rules for dating these days.

Nice list, but you forgot to add don't be so old that you could be my father. That would have ruled me out.

No,that's not true. I was ruled out by the whole leaving used condoms on the floor thing. And by beard, did you also mean goatee because if you did that would rule me out too.

moooooog35 said...

I see there's no rule about not sending you photos of genitalia.

Sweet.

Incoming email!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: i'd make an exception for your old hairy ass.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Why discriminate against the non-drinkers?! Heck that's a date and a designated driver in one fell swoop. You forgot to mention not having head lice or any other small creatures living on their bodies...

Mike said...

moooooooog - Tequila actually asked me to send her a photo of mine.

I'm on it for sure... as soon as the wide angle lens I ordered comes in.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: NIIIIIIIICE!

captain corky said...

I see that you don't mind dating married men. Good! I promise not to break any of your rules except for maybe spilling a little booze on you. Sometimes I just can't control myself. And don't worry about the condom thing... I'm as clean as a whistle. ;)

Tink said...

The only thing dirty-condom-dude would see is my ass leaving after that scene. Nasty.

P.S. Please send photos.

B.E. Earl said...

So when we are talking about "beards" and your strong dislike of them, do we mean facial hair or the other kind.

Because a fake significant other of the opposite sex can come in quite handy sometimes when you are pretending to be straight. Although I would imagine it would a chink in the armor for potential suitors as well.

Not speaking from personal experience, of course. ;)

billymac said...

yeah.... used condom land mines on the floor spells N-O-T-C-O-O-L...

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Billy: it also spells D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G

tiff said...

The condom thing? Is the very definition of "disgusting." Ick.

Sparkling Red said...

As soon as a condom is used, it becomes disgusting. I mean, instantaneously. The quantum physicists are still working on the theory behind that amazing transformation, but, speaking as a pragmatist, I'm not waiting for the study to be published. Just keep those nasty things away from me!

Leighann said...

I love legos! Let's fuck!

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, those are some winners there . . beyond the occasional facial hair and the lack of drinking, I meet all your requirements

R.E.H. said...

1. Great! I strike out at one! We'll I'm still officially employed... is that good enough?

2. No hickeys... ok. What about hand-prints?

3. Car. Check!

4. I won't spill booze... I'll drink it.

5. Stay clear of Landon. Oki-dokey!

6. Have coffee in the morning alone... so I can keep up with Tequila at real bars at night!

7. Only half a bottle cologne... not all of it!

8. Uhm... are we dating?

9. No wait! My teeth are good. I'll be sure to widen my grin when I take pics for you... really, my teeth are fine!

10. No beard... ok - how about a little stubble? Is that good? Else, I'll make sure to shave before we go out.

11. Yeah, I'm sorry about that...

AngryMan said...

One thing that I hated about waiting tables was the people who would wear so much damned cologne that I couldn't breathe. Terrible.

Beach Bum said...

Hot damn, I can meet and exceed those rules. Send me word when you can be in Charleston and we can hit some of the best bars in the south. I'll even bring some of my son's legos, he has a ton.

Jay said...

Can I keep all my used condoms in a fishbowl on the coffee table? They make an interesting conversation piece.

He might not have been lying. He might use the condom that was on the floor on his blow up doll. It makes it easier to clean them. Or so I hear.


Or, maybe that condom was from his first time ever and he wanted to keep the condom where he threw it as a memorial. I nailed mine to the wall in my room. But everyone is different.

Malicious Intent said...

Good points, you are a wise woman. This should be made into a book and handed out to all females who need a fucking clue.

Good work!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I can do all of those things accept not spill booze on you.

Sorry, TM.

C.Rag said...

Yay I can date you.

katie said...

oh, girl. the dating world is a tough place. i agree 100% with your list. oh, and another biggie for me were the dudes that talked about exes on the 1st damn date. it's like shut the hell up about it. i don't wanna hear how your old girlfriend burned your cat alive after she found out you cheated on her!! discretion, please! jeez!!!

You have a great weekend!!

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

Several years ago I went to some sort of gift-opening thing for a couple who had either just gotten engaged, or just gotten married.

In either case, there was an obviously used condom ON THE COUCH and it went unnoticed until most everyone was there.

The girlfriend tried to play it off, blaming it on some guy like he did it as a joke. But her red face and her boyfriend's incessant laughter proved that they fucked just before company arrived and didn't clean up the evidence.

No big deal. Shit happens. We're all adults and we know what used rubbers look like, how they get that way and we all had a good laugh. (Damn, it was funny!)

But don't be weird about it and blame it on one of your guests.

Ginormous Boobs said...

I am going to have to add:

Don't be completely hairless. If I wanted to bang 15 year olds, I'd hang out at The Game Stop at the mall.

Donovan Walker said...

LoL! I love this one. I definitely drink, but it's not a major past time. I would have suggested a tea shop.

*sigh* yet another fiery Irish lass who's underwear I'll never know the color of.

TED VELVET said...

happy st. Patrick's day. did you bring your flask to work?

Sleepy Scott said...

I've got to agree with you about coffee/tea bars. Bars should have booze.