Why i do not trust non drinkers

Occasionally I encounter people who do not drink. Almost immediately I am filled with a inherent sense of distrust towards them; there's something they aren't telling me....what skeletons reside in their non-drinking closet? and of course I always assume the worst.... I could certainly never date someone who doesn't drink, despite it being cool to have a designated driver all of the time to cart my drunk ass around (and there are times when that would be useful, and economical, as it costs almost 20 dollars to park my car in downtown all night).

Their reasons for not drinking usually indicate why they would be shitty to date. If they are recovering alcoholics, that means they are weak and don't know their limits. If they don't drink because they are angry drunks, that usually translates into them having a volatile temper, and during a fight are prone to hauling off and backhanding someone over an argument regarding what to have for dinner. If they never really got into drinking from lack of immersion, then they are boring and afraid to try new things. they might also have trust issues, because they don't trust themselves to occasionally drink and not develop a problem (not to mention being cheated on often for being so goddamn boring).

Top 10 important reasons not to date someone who doesn't drink:

10. they smell like dryer sheets, not all sexy and delicious like rum.

9. they never think it's a good idea to go play in the ball pit at McDonald's at 1 am
8. the sex never lasts very long either (i truly believe drunk sloppy sex has a bad rep).

7. they always say lame stuff like: "why are you dancing, there's no music? or get off that table!"
6. they take you to parties and functions that are without a full bar.
5. non-drinkers usually aren't down with buying you $50 of drinks in uptown.
4. a non-drinker could never appreciate my renditions of lynyrd skynyrd at 3 am at Denny's.

3. when someone who doesn't partake in libations wakes up, that is the best they will feel all day; how depressing. no amount of coffee can change how awful THAT is.
2. people who don't drink always want to leave the party early... WTF, Tom is just putting the lampshade on his head, why would i want to leave now?!

1. and most importantly when will i get the chance to write on their face "I LOVE DICK" with a sharpie?