Thursday, September 13, 2007

The measure of a man:

While being out and about in uptown and other areas, I have encountered many men who feel as if they are all that and a shot of tag. 9.5 times out of 10, they are not, but it is entertaining to converse with them as they put on their “A” Game; especially as the night wears on, and I become more intoxicated and easily amused.

Anyway, most of them are a sort of attractive that would be appealing to only certain groups of women. For example, there is the Frat Boy Asshole, that the blonde college girls (you know, the ones usually majoring in interior design), with cotton candy for brains and so much lip gloss it looks as if you could ice skate upon them. Yeah, they can drink an oceans worth of beer, but you might find them puking on your brand new Nine West strappy shoes later in the evening.

Another fine example is the Young Douchebag Hottie, with the personality of a roof shingle, but can lay on the flattery thicker than he lays on the hair gel and/or mousse. He usually goes for the a lady to take care of him, whether it be the stereotypical Cougar (come on, she just wants to feel young again, like she did before menopause) or the fat girl with low self esteem and her daddy’s credit card bankrolling her emotional growth. This fine specimen wears leopard print thongs, doesn’t have a steady job and speaks volumes on the important people he knows.

One type of guy that I would be remiss in not mentioning is the Older Married Guy. He trolls for barely legal girls or starry-eyed 20-somethings that live on lean cuisine and naïveté. He drives a flashy car, wears Italian loafers, and has teeth so white, they glow creepily in the black light. He is always just on the verge of getting divorced, because his wife and mother of his kids is just ‘such a bitch’.

There are many more types I could go into, but those are just the highlights. I think a guy should only be able to consider himself a true catch if he can appeal to the triumvirate of poon, or Poonumvirate, if you will. This means the three basic categories of women: The barely legal cupcake, the independent mid-20’s to early 30’s chick, and the MILF-like early 40’s housewife that’s still hot and has strong knees. If women from all three of these categories would be into you, then yes, you may strut around as a bonafide hottie.


eloise said...

Ahhh, love your blog and I never, ever tire of seeing douchbag in print.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

One thing nobody will ever accuse me of doing is strutting. I'm not sure if I have a target market, either.

What's not to like about cupcakes? Nothing. When you're a kid, you can devour numerous cupcakes in one sitting and not think twice. Somehow I've lost the appetite for cupcakes, I think. But it has been a while, now that I think about it.

I'm probably too needy for an independent woman and the MILF-like housewife has far too full of a plate for me to clean.

What were we talking about again?

I have never worn a thong. I can't imagine why a dude would think that's a good idea. Is the YDH the same type that wears the low-rise jeans?

Your characterization of OMG was top notch.

I gotta hand it to you, you consistently knock 'em out of the park.

I'm off to Stinktown for the weekend. Enjoy yours!

TED VELVET said...

I'm a married man, but I always found that when I used to go out and troll for sluts, I mean women, the things that worked best for me were:
3)pretending to listen
4)pretending to care about what I'm pretending to listen to
5)random, believable compliments
6)a mixture of both good and bad manners
7) alcohol
when I worked these into my repertoire, things usually ended on the express train to poonville.