Friday, September 14, 2007

Unauthorized Customer Service

Sometimes I don't think people have enough fun with life at the simple things, and take every day activities entirely too seriously. I feel that I must find every opportunity to incur good times, otherwise there is much i could and would miss out on.

For example, when I go to target, I like to wear red shirt and khackis (as most of you know, the employees do as well). I like to aimlessly walk around, but never with a shopping cart because that gives it away. Constantly I am bombarded with people asking me where to find stuff. The conversation usually goes like this--
Customer: where can i find the pet food?
Me (after an exasperated sigh): I think you should learn to be self sufficient and find it YOURSELF!
Customer (quizzically): Excuse me?
Me (with a helpful smile): I don't want to encourage your dependence on others, and instead want to foster an attitude of self reliance.
Customer (with deepening scowl): That's really rude! Have you been drinking? You smell like vodka! I AM TALKING TO THE MANAGER ABOUT YOU!
Me: YOU GO DO THAT, I DON'T FUCKING CARE, YOU HELPLESS WASTE OF FLESH!

The look on their face is priceless. I like to leave the store very soon after that, though... I would really like to hear how the conversation with the manager goes. Good luck to the employee that in any way resembles me working at area targets.

6 comments:

Jon said...

"Excuse me, could you tell me where my self respect is?"

I would ask that at Target, if I shopped there. Ha ha ha, poor people.

The Valley of the Dolls said...

hahahahh very nice

PopularMechanics4BrokenHearts said...

ryc: at least we don't live in new york. I'd never get a buzz.

matchchatter said...

You are a riot and I would love to shop with you anytime.

Once I was in target and took a diet coke from the fridge (intending to pay later of course) and the security guard was going to arrest me. I called him an asshole and said I wanted to speak to the manager. The manager took one look at me, an affluent 50 year old and said "sorry to have bothered you mam." I guess 50 does have its perks, free diet coke!

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

You have a wicked sense of humor, without a doubt.

There's two things I have learned in life:
1. Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear
2. Everything you read on the internet is true

To be honest, I don't buy the legitimacy of your Target escapades. If said story is writer's embellishment, it's a great story nonetheless and an exemplary example of your sharp wit. If said story is true, it's great insight into your twisted world and answers my question of amused or terrified.

Brian Stanfill said...

I think Fonz has you pegged.