Friday, September 28, 2007

Fuck St. Paul!

I went to Sweeney’s last night in St. Paul, and was immediately reminded of why I don’t go to St. Paul. Because it is all historic and old, there is no parking. After driving around for 20 minutes, and finally parking in B.F.E (which I don’t really mind, until I’m stumbling back to my car in the middle of the night, worried about getting a rapin’ from one of the locals). Difficult choices I had to make in haste because I didn’t want to miss out on valuable happy hour time.

That should not have been a concern. The bastards at Sweeney’s don’t have drink specials until 9; I don’t stay out THAT late on weeknights when I am working (I use that term loosely) the next day, thus by the time I get to nine pm, I have usually been drinking hard enough I don’t NEED drink specials. And because I was in St. Paul, I needed to be coherent enough to navigate my way back into Minneapolis, which is now more difficult because of the
fucking bridge being down. So this translated into no double fisting action.

To make everything more craptacular, the bartender kept hitting on me, before and after my friend arrived. Then I feel obligated to flirt back because I want the most potent drinks possible (that is the WORST thing ever, a watered down drink) and I don’t want him to spit in my drink.

There was one bright spot in the this turd of a night, this old woman was teetering down the stairs on her way down from the banquet hall, and she had to grab on to a tall potted tree to keep from falling down! My eye almost popped out of it’s socket from trying not to point and laugh. I shouldn't be complaining, I got drunk; mission accomplished!


Malach the Merciless said...

The pope won't be too happy your bashing a holy city.

Mike said...

Aww hell, anytime you can end the night by saying "I got drunk," the night was successful.

Double fisting action is just icing on the cake!

jedimacfan said...

"...My eye almost popped out of it’s socked..."

You only have one eye? Is that why you wear the Farva shades?

Sara Sue said...

I heard you laughing at me, whipper snapper. I couldn't help it, it was birthday and I was shit-faced!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

malach: he can suck a bag of dicks.

mike: truth! and i admitted to it.
that reminds me, i have the greatest pic of me double fisting at a bar, and it would make a great bar!

jedi: no, i have two (you must have missed the pic i had up of me with kitty ears as my avatar last week). those are goddamn magnum pi sunglasses, not farva. get it right!

sara: not laughing at you, that's a hot pic! nothing to be ashamed of. post more nekkidness.

jedimacfan said...

Magnum PI shades? Do you wear the extremely tight and way-to-short shorts, too? I'll need proof.

Phoebe Fay said...

I never laugh at old women falling down. I'm always afraid I'm looking at a future me.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

De Pope made the bridge collapse to keep sinners like you out of Saint Paul, yes, yes.

RAFFI said...

did you mention "fisting"? a night of drinking and fisting is always a joyous one.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

jedi: who says i wear pants at all? but i definitely wear the tropical shirts all of the time.

pheobe: i am afraid to laugh outloud at them because they might beat me with their cane and then not give me any butterscotch candy.

pope: you made the bridge collapse because you are a douchebag of papal proportions.

raffi: as for double fisting, i meant it in the context of having a drink in each hand. but the other kind, the kind the pope wants to do to your little brother is not my "thing".

Colonel Colonel said...

Stop talking about fisting, you're getting the Pope excited and we don't want a repeat of what happened at Sara's place on Wednesday.

TED VELVET said...

why do you choose to live in such a god forsaken state? all they have there is snow, Scandinavians, Prince and meth addicts. Maybe I could see living there if Al Franken wins but really it's gotta suck.No? I live in Ct. which sucks too but NYC is just an hour away.

Jon said...

The bar I'm going to tonight has a really long staircase. Usually one or two drunk motherfuckers takes a spill on any given night. I can't wait.

moooooog35 said...

Oh my God. I think we're soulmates.


Preposterous Ponderings said...

LMAO @ the tree hugger!

Your links were beyond hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.

AngryMan said...

Where are the pics of your random hookup w/the bartender in the bathroom? We don't come here just to read what's going on in your life, we want some nudity!!!

Anonymous said...

To think, if only we could be having this adventure together, like the old days! Sadly no, I must make due with out my Chrissy-kitty,(Ohhh..I kinda like that) and you there without your Poodles. You should come down so we can drunken misadventures!!!

C.Rag said...

I've always wanted to fuck a saint.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

colonel: what DOESNT excite the pope these days?

ted: yeah, MN is a big frozen craphole of passive aggressive whiteys. lonnnnnng story why i moved up here from fla. partially it was to escape the elderly.

jon: i expect a full report.

moooog: i get that a lot.

Prepon: glad we can be mutual fans of each other's blogs. you rock my dock!

angry: i dont do random hookups, except with your mom. but not anymore, she is starting to smell rancid. if you want nudity go to whichever blog had pope's wang on it.

anon (my bestest friend mike): i miss you too, and thanks for being there for me to call on the stumble/hike back to my car so i didnt get raped. you should come up here and we can have drunken misadventures.

C.rag: hot. if you do, tell me and pope in great detail.