Wednesday, September 5, 2007

midget wrestling

(re posted from my myspace by popular demand)

last night, while partying in uptown, i went to Mortimers (this is of course after like four hours of quality drinking time at old chicago). those of you who know me, know that one of my life long dreams that i MUST do before i die is to wrestle a midget in lime jello. it's not so much a dream i guess, as an aspiration. anyway, so there i am, at the bar, and what comes up to me??? you guessed it folks, A MIDGET! YES!!!! the heavens had opened up and dropped a midget upon me like manna to those poor bastards wandering around in the desert. i'm getting distracted. ok, so he comes up to me, and keeping in mind that in my heels of the evening, i was almost 6 ft tall. and this guy wasnt technically a midget, but at like 5 ft he came pretty close. i'll give him this, for a midget, he had some game. most guys don't just come up to me and start chatting away like were old friends cause i can be a bit intimidating, but this dude, who was a foot shorter than me, starts buying me drinks (and like a true irish person, i did NOT turn those down). i then proceeded to tell him my aspirations, and i did it in the most suave way possible; while scrunching down till i was eye level with him. he wasn't amused and insisted he WASN'T a midget(just semantics, i guess self delusion is still alive). and to prove this, he challenged me to an arm wrestle. WTF?! like a free drink, i do not turn away challenges either, especially when they are began with a "double dog dare". he won, i guess when you are THAT short you have something to prove and work out a lot, cause he was pretty ripped. so the night goes on, this midget never leaving my side, like a toy poodle, here has got to be one of the best parts: he tried to convince me he was a gigolo. get this, a tiny little pocket sized gigolo! i was strangely fascinated by this. i peppered him with the many questions that came from that. i asked if they were happy meal midget women like him or full size? do they ever make him get on top and spin him around? do they buy him oshkoshbigosh and dress him up like a doll? is it requisite for him to sit on their laps? he was a patient little man with these demeaning questions, and somehow, his tiny ego wasn't bruised because he asked me what i was doing after the bar closed and thought we might go for a 'little' fun. AHAHAHAHAHA i almost fell down laughing, but hey, i guess you can do anything if you re standing on a stool. you've got to be kidding me. good times in uptown.


James said...

holy damnit, your blog name (tequila mockingbird) just blew my existence into a million happy little pieces

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

after my weekend megabus adventure i took a metro transit limo up lyndale to my car and passed mortimer's. as i did, i immediately thought of you and your midget story. i've never been to that place, so you and said establishment are forever linked in my mind.

moooooog35 said...

Awesome post. Although, at 5'2" tall...I'm wondering where the Hell I was on September 5th. I don't remember arm wrestling a 6 foot tall Amazonian woman, but it wouldn't be the first time. Don't knock midget love til you try it. We can get a pretty good running start at the end of the bed.


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