Monday, October 22, 2007

Trail of Condemnation and Midgets

Last night I went to the Trail of Terror. I will fully admit that if the tickets were not free, and my flask was not full, I probably would not have had as good of a time. It’s one of these cheesy events that now that I have experienced it once, I doubt I will ever go again.

First, we go into a tent on my quest for a mixer. No lemonade, so I settle for sierra mist upon the “bartender’s” suggestion (all they served was crappy beer and bitch drinks like Smirnoff ice, confirming I made the right decision to bring the flask, and making me think I possibly should’ve brought a backup flask), and note his subtle warning that if I am adding anything, I had best do it discreetly so that the rent-a-cops didn’t notice it. We decide to go on a lame hay ride; can you believe they wouldn’t let me take my drink on it? I chugged it while in line, and this Lion-o type character came up and started growling at me, which I find hilarious, and being the asshole that I am, I call him out as a Thundercat on meth, and he tries to correct me, telling me that he’s been doing this for 16 years (like that is some big goddamn accomplishment). Is he implying I should recognize him?


The people jumping out of the woods to scare us while on the hay ride looked like they had just gotten off work from Hot Topic, and really weren’t trying that hard. I told them this too, and that they needed to give it ‘their all’.

While walking to the big haunted house, I quickly gulped down another cocktail, and got another one to drink while in line. The chick at the front warned us not to touch the ‘monsters’ or to eat, drink, vomit, urinate, defecate or fornicate while inside. This brings to question, what had gone one in there before and if I did a couple of those at the same time, would it be one infraction or two? She also warned against cursing. WTF? How are you going to tell me not to weave my trademarked tapestry of profanity? What if something legitimately scared the shit out of me? There was this thing walking around, that looked much like Rainbow Brite and Rosie O’donnell, that made me want to gouge out my eyes so I didn’t see it anymore.


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While in the haunted house, I became bored with people trying to scare me, so I decided to go rogue, and sneak around corners to try to scare them. Sometimes it worked. A couple of times the ‘monsters’ asked what was wrong with me. I got conflicting messages from them, when I would walk in one of these funhouse-like spinning tunnels that were glowing with blacklight, and I mentioned something about it would be way better if I was on ecstasy. The first girl said “DON’T DO DRUGS” and then a guy told me later on “HELL YEAH!”… As if that wasn’t bizarre enough, when I got to the part of the haunted maze where there was a bloody operating room and people dressed as demented doctors and nurses with forceps and whatnot. I immediately say “YES! Can you guys give me an abortion?”, but the monsters of condemnation assured me they were pro-life. I didn’t actually see that coming. That probably scared me more than anything else. Here were teenagers, dressing up as zombies and monsters to frighten people, and they didn’t support a woman’s right to choose?

The whole experience was going straight to the shitter, until I turned a corner and saw HER. At first I thought she was a child, because she was pretending to be Chucky. I was being a dick and offering her candy, which I guess offended her, because she spoke up and said “I’m not a kid.” That’s when I noticed the rack on her. IT WAS A MIDGET!!!! WITH LARGE (relatively so, for her size) MIDGET BOOBS! Anyone who reads this blog, knows of my affection for midgets and how my aspirations include wanting to wrestle one in lime jello. I kept screeching about Ohhhh Mah Fuckin’ GAWD, it’s a MIDGET!!!! And my friend kept hurrying me along. Later I went back, now that I was prepared, hoping to work some sort of arrangement out to fulfill my midget wrestling goals, but she wasn’t there. That made me look like a lying whore, because I had talked her up to the group we were with. When i asked one of the guys that worked there where she was, he said her name was Cassie, and she was a horny little midget girl (this he knew firsthand from some kind of party that everyone went to the weekend before). Even if that is not true, it was her presence that really made my night. Thanks Midget Girl With The Big Cans

26 comments:

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

I thought tales of midgets and big racks would be coming out of the woodwork this morning, yet nobody has one to offer. I'm disappointed.

On the other hand I get to be the first to comment on one of your fabulous blog entries, which is not easy to do.

Anonymous said...

I forgot all about rainbow brite! ha ha That character was f-ed up!!!!

I hope one day you can wrestle midget boob girl in some Jello.

DNR said...

Can I watch the wrestling match?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Fonz: monday's are a bit slow. i dont take it personally.

Prepon: yeah, rainbow brite was pretty jacked up. she made me feel like i was on acid as a child, even before i knew what acid was. also, if i cannot get a midget, i could possibly settle for wrestling you in lime jello.

DNR: yeah, i'd probably post it on youtube, and then here. if i manage to get a midget to wrestle, i would not hide it. I WOULD SHOUT IT TO THE WORLD!

Bruce said...

I do hope that when this wrestling match happens (and I have no doubt that you will make it happen) you will tape it and put up a webcast so we can all watch.
Next time I do a haunted house I'm inviting you to work it.

Bruce said...

Oh well hell, if you're going to wrestle Prepon then you better sell tickets. To hell with webcast. I am so there!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

awesome shit! i'm hoping to get C.rag in on it too. she's always bragging about her great rack...

Moooooog35 said...

I'm not exactly a midget with a great rack, but I AM a short guy who works out and can make his boobs jump (if it pleases the ladies, I can also sing while doing this and jump them to the beat).

I'm available for parties.

Forrest Proper said...

So you were stuck in a haunted house full of Pro-Life Xians? That's pretty damn scary!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

moog: there's always room for more midgets. even if youre not a technical midget, you are welcome to join us.

Colonel: it was very skurry. but i think i scared them more than they scared me.

Mike said...

Well if you ever do get a chance to wrestle Cassie the Midget Girl With Big Boobs, the least you could is post some pictures.

Sara Sue said...

This is starting to sound like an episode of Howard Stern.

Malach the Merciless said...

What no midget porn, highly dissappointed

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Did you preach to those heathen masses?

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

For once...I'm speechless.

Anonymous said...

THIS IS FUCKIN FUNNY!
ok... i want you to know that...

1. that rainbow brite crossed with rosie o donnell is ME! ha haa! i'm dead serious. thats me when i was 15 at my second year working at trail of terror. no joke. go to my myspace if you don't believe me.
myspace.com/born_in_sin
also... i am a guy. to clear that up.

2. the "teenage pro-lifers" are actually in their 30s and i doubt they are pro life.

3. that "midget" you are talking about is a friend of mine.

4. you didn't get scared or have fun because you didn't want to. when a drunk ass comes through the place, we do what we can to avoid him and we don't bother with impressing you. not to sound like an asshole or anything. ha haa. but its the truth. OK BYE!!!

Unknown said...

1. Bubbles (the fellow above, aka "Rainbow Bright") posted this for us "Pro-Life Xians" on facebook. And, we all agree, this post is pretty entertaining.

2. He is right. We don't bother impressing drunk sarcastic people who don't want to be scared, because chances are- everyone will end up either disappointed or covered in vomit. Yes. It's happened.

2. Cassee is a great girl, ya'll should talk about her with a little respect. Although, I did text her to let her know that you complimented her rack.

3. What did you expect the "bar" at a family event to serve? We try to cut down on drunken beligerents, not encourage them!

4. Try coming back sober and open minded and I'll bet you'll have a good time.

5. I doubt anyone who works at Trail is "pro-life" I'm sure they were cracking a joke that you just didn't get. Nobody's paying us for our sense of humor ;)

Thank you for your publicity though. Much appreciated. Come give us another chance if you'd like!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

listen assholes, this post is like almost a year old. way to jump on it when it's fresh!

frankly, i dont care how awesome and nice the midget with nice cans is. also, since you people know her, let her know about my offer to wrestle her in lime jello. i think that would be pretty bad ass. i'm sure jesus would want it that way.

and you should be entertained. that's kind of what i was going for. if you really want to be offended, then definitely hop on that. but, make sure to tell everyone how indignant you are, because the more people that come here, the more money i get from google adsense, and the more REAL bars i can go to, instead of tromping around in some field.

lastly, i dont really want to come back. your attraction is mediocre at best, but i get how if your life was a barren wasteland of working at hot topic and beating off to corpse porn, working it would be a real thrill.

glad we had this chat. i know i feel better, i'm sure you do too!

xoxo

Anonymous said...

ha haaa! you're so fuckin funny and think you're all badass. its cute. no one was trying to be an ass. we were just telling you that we read it. and thought it was entertaining. you should probably just calm down. sorry you in your 20 or 30 somethings went to a FAMILY event and was dissapointed in the mediocre alcohol that was served. maybe you SHOULD just go to a bar and stay there. why should you expect us to even give you the time of day when you're coming to where we work and bein a big bitch about it all? sorry hun but i don't go into mcdonalds or wherever the hell you flip your burgers and act like a stuck up drunk to make myself feel better about myslef. no offense. and you definitely don't need to come back. cause if you are just gonna take the piss out of it, you'll have the same experience next time, only now we have your picture and know what you look like.

Anonymous said...

YOU'RE A FUCKING CUNT. I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS OLD. YOU'RE STILL AN ALCOHOLIC DUMBASS BITCH!

kUNT.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

anon: ok, this is the last time i'll respond, because really... youre comments arent clever or well crafted enough to hold my interest.

anyway, i saw some of you guys' myspace. you really are some gross looking sacks of pigshit. this entirely explains why you are so miserable. also, i found it absolutely hillarious that the first commenter REALLY DOES work for hot topic. predictable, and sad. as for my job, no, never worked at a fast food place; i have what you would call a "career"... you should look into getting one, i mean, i dont get cool discounts for clothes at my job, but i get to have self respect.

as for your original intentions when you commented on my blog, i dont believe they were positive, hence i responded the way i did. if you cant figure out your passive aggressive bullshit, you are either incredibly dense or should just be tested for austism now.

and if you are going to come here and respond to shit, fucking pay attention. i said i didnt want to go back. so you know what i look like? have fun beating off to my pictures while you cry alone in the dark and listen to emo music.

last thing, some sage advice; you guys should make a suicide pact. do you REALLY have anything worthwhile in your lives? i'll answer for you: probably not. so stop taking up space for people who arent worthless.

godspeed.

Anonymous said...

hahaha lemme just say that Bubbles is a much cooler person than you'll ever hope to be, and probably gets much hotter guys than you could ever hope for, and a hell of a lot more frequently. there is certainly no beating off in the dark for this boy.
especially not to pictures of you.
or any women for that matter.
but it was pretty cool to see someone mention my boy Bubbles on their blog. so thank you for that, at least!

Anonymous said...

plus, the whole "rainbow bright and rosie odonald" thing is a pretty good explanation, i have to admit. except it's more of rainbow bright mixed with bettie page and liberace.

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD! are you serious? you just keep making yourself look so much worse!! tequila mockingbird? ooo! how mature are you? and plus, how old are you? pickin on people that much younger. ha haa! and you get respect at your job! congrats! i'm so proud of you! its probably the only place you can get ANY respect because the time of day you aren't at work, you have your legs spread in some bar cause you're too trashed to know anything else. so... sorry hun. but you're an ugly ass skank. and you don't know me so you really can't mention how miserable you think i am. and i don't work for hot topic you dumb bitch. god you just make yourself sound so stupid. ha haa! but this has been good entertainment for me! thanks a lot hun!

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